The man screamed as his body began to glow. Energy grew within him and then pushed out, tearing through his pores. The light from his body intensified and his body tightened in anticipation.

Energy exploded from the man and domed out, spreading out and away, tearing through brick and metal and flesh and bone, digging a crater beneath the man and destroying anything and everything in its path.

The energy spread in a two block radius before suddenly halting and then fading, smoke rising from the hole in the ground created by this man.

And as the smoke settled one man was seen emerging from the crater, a grin on his face.

"Hold your fire!" said Commissioner Jordan to the crowd of police who all aimed for the man.

"Smart man," said the one who stepped from the crater. "Now, Boombastic will only ask one more time. Where is Millennium Man?"

"What is it with everyone wanting the Science Hero?"

The gathered officers and the one called Boombastic all looked to a nearby rooftop where the voice came from.

"I mean, there's so much more to life than Millennium Man and what not."

The man on the roof leapt to the ground, landing with a thud and then walking towards Boombastic as the police could only look on.

"Hell, there's always me!"

Boombastic looked at the newcomer for a second and then reared his head back and laughed.

"You?!!!" he said through his laugh, tears running from his eyes. "A nut in a Nixon mask?"

The newcomer kicked Boombastic in the nuts.

Hard.

Boombastic stopped laughing and doubled over, collapsing to the ground and rolling around in the fetal position.

"At least I'm not named after a crappy song," said the newcomer. "And it's not a Nixon mask, you uneducated moron. It's George W. Bush." And he looked to the officers. "You all get that? George W. Bush. Bush43! I'm here to dole out some justice, save some lives and kick some ass."

And the man struck a heroic pose for a few moments and then relaxed.

"Any of you all know where I can find Mysteria?"

No one answered.

"Fair enough. Later!"

And then he turned and ran down a nearby alley and into the darkness leaving the cops alone with a crater and the man who made it writing in pain as he cradled his throbbing testicles.

Bush43
Issue #3
"Sidekick!"
by Jason S. Kenney

"Don't feel so lucky now, do ya?"

It started so innocent like. I was out protecting the city and stuff, patrolling, beating the crap outta bad guys, making good with the ladies, avoiding the advances of the ladies of the night, searching for some hotties in tights to do some super heroing with, stuff like that, you know, what I like to call "Tuesday Night".

And then I had a brief run in with some guy calling himself Mr. Lucky Dog who supposedly was lucky as hell and could get away with anything based on luck. But he wasn't wearing a cup or any other protection and he met with something unlucky I like to call "a kick in the nuts".

I was standing over him, watching him squirm and grab his really sore boys, me with a big ol' smile from yet another victory.

"And you remember that. Every time you think about doing something bad, remember Bush43 and the pain..."

And I ran off as I heard the sirens approach.

Then there was Zoom Zoom who was running around and snatching purses. Guy was pretty damn fast, really. Winded the hell out of me. Impressed the hell outta me, too.

Except for the part where he tripped over something and fell on his face, allowing me to catch up to his ass.

"That was the fastest I have EVER seen anyone hit the ground," I said, standing over him all heroic like as if I had done something to stop him, "what is your secret?"

"Bite me," the guy said as he lay there holding his calf. Blood ran through his hands and dripped to the ground.

"DUDE!" I said, grabbing the guy's arms and pulling his hands away from his injury.

Bone stuck out from his lower leg.

"Oh, wow, that's pretty damn neat," I said, standing back up and letting the guy clutch his injury again. "You might want to get that looked at."

Then the cops showed up and I high tailed it out of there.

You see, I was still a wanted man for some reason. Nevermind that I'd stopped countless crimes.

But everyone still ignored me. Maybe it was my sexiness. Maybe it was the mask. Maybe it was that I was really up against some lame ass villains with really lame ass names and lame ass powers that they thought only a lame ass "hero" would bother with them.

Sigh.

Toss on top of that the fact that someone out there knew my name, my REAL name, and we had a whole ball of confusion and stuff just pushing itself down on my shoulders.

Happy and Sad. Whoever the hell they were, I wanted nothing to do with them. But they knew my name, which means their employer probably knew my name. And, hell, they said the name often enough that Mysteria probably knows it and anyone within earshot knows it too. Yeah, sure there are plenty of Carter's in the phone book, but now it's narrowed down.

There was a little satisfaction in that I was not alone. They seemed to know Mysteria's real name too.

And now I had a feeling that I did too.

But I'm good with secrets, you're not going to hear this one from me. I know first hand how important this whole secret identity thing is, I'd be a hypocrite to leap out and scream her real name from the hilltops.

But that doesn't mean I didn't think about it.

The man looked at himself once again in the mirror and couldn't help but smile.

Tonight was the night.

He was going to be a hero, he was going to prove himself to his hero, he was going to earn his keep.

He climbed out his window and onto the fire escape, making his way to the roof and stepping to the ledge, eying the opposite roof.

He figured it was about eight feet between this building and the next. He backed up to the middle of the roof and then started running as fast as he could, heading straight for the ledge.

And then he misstepped, tripped and fell face first off the edge and into a dumpster below.

He cursed himself as he climbed out and decided it'd be better to stick to the streets.

Strongman picked me up and threw me back into the ground. I had been taking a beating for a good time now and, frankly, I was getting kinda bored. I mean, at first it was okay, humorous even the way this guy thought he was the strongest man in the world and would toss me around. The only reason I even let him start beating me up was because I couldn't stop laughing.

I mean, the guy was wearing a thong for Christ's sake.

Sure, he was big and strong, but, come on, a thong? No tights, no jeans and a t-shirt, nope, just a thong. It was funny in a disgusting sort of way.

"I will kill you!" he shouted for I guess the fifth or sixth time as he threw me across the street and into a parked car. But I kept laughing.

"Man, talk about a killer wedgie," I said through my laughter and tears. He charged at me and I stepped out of the way. He crashed into the car head first and got stuck there for a moment while I laughed some more. "Where do you do your shopping? Victoria's Secret?"

He pulled out of the car and screamed as he ran at me again.

"You get the matching garter belt with that one?" I said. And then he hit me a few times as I kept laughing. I fell to the ground and he started pounding on me, stopping after a bit and stepping back, breathing heavily. Man, I think I pissed him off.

I got up and brushed myself off.

"You done yet?" I asked.

"Why won't you stay down?!!!" he shouted, charging at me again.

I lashed out with a beautiful punch that came across his face nice and smooth like. He stopped and stood there a moment, staggering and holding his head.

I'm sure you know what happened next.

He ran and ran and ran, keeping his eyes to the roof and trying to spot bad guys in the streets. None.

About five blocks from his apartment he stopped running, trying to catch his breath.

This hero stuff was hard work.

He made a mental note to start exercising and lose about twenty pounds.

He hailed a taxi that happened to be passing by.

"Where to, bub?" asked the driver behind the wheel.

"Just drive around," said the man as he pressed his face against the window near the curb, keeping an eye on the rooftops.

"I'm The Human Termite!" shouted the short man as his robotic arms waved around him and his pinchers opened and shut in front of his face.

"You look more like a white ant to me," said the man in a suit and mask as he stood ready to fight.

"I AM A TERMITE!" the Human Termite shouted, charging at Bush43 who tried to jump into the air but was caught by one of the Human Termite's arms and brought back down to the ground.

The Human Termite leaned in with his pinchers while his real face smiled.

"Now the Human Termite will taste flesh!" he said, as his pinchers closed in on Bush43's head.

Suddenly his eyes widened and his mouth tightened into a circle as all six robotic arms and his two real ones grabbed at his now horribly sore testicles.

"Yeah," I said as I pushed the short white ant off of me, "taste your nuts, dumb ass."

I stood up and brushed off my suit while looking down at the little man and shaking my head.

"The Human Termite?" I asked. "Jesus Christ, what a lame ass identity!"

"George Bush in Australia is better?" gasped the human termite as he still held onto his family jewels.

"Well, yeah! Look, be good and I won't kick your ass again, okay?"

"But I need to eat wood to survive," he whined.

"Really?" He nodded. "Dude, that sucks. Well, gnaw on a two by four or something, just don't attack people anymore, okay?"

The Human Termite nodded again.

"Great, later," and I ran and leapt onto a nearby fire escape and made my way to the roofs to prance around.

"You going to a costume party or something?" asked the driver.

"No, I'm out on patrol," replied the man in the backseat as he kept his face against the window, his eyes on the rooftops.

"Patrol? Like one of them hero types?"

"Yes," said the man in the back, tiring of this banter.

"I knew me a hero once," said the driver, "went by the name of Winded. He had some great stamina, that guy, and anyone he went up against would usually be all winded afterwards and what not, you know, so that's how he got the name."

"Uh huh," said the guy in the back, still looking at the rooftops.

"So, who are you supposed to be?" asked the driver.

"Oh, I'm..."

The man in the back was cut off by the driver slamming on his breaks with a curse.

Lee Edwards smiled as he stepped into the street. Cars honked and slammed on their breaks as he walked across the busy intersection without looking. He didn't care. He was strong, he would survive. He actually hoped he'd get hit, what better way to test his abilities.

He stopped in the middle of the street and looked around for opportunities. People hollered at him from their cars, people on the street stopped and looked, and he simply stood their in his trenchcoat, smiling.

He looked up and saw a man on a nearby roof peering over and looking at him.

"A hero?" he thought aloud and then laughed. What a perfect test of his powers!

He shed his coat and people who watched cringed. It wasn't just that the man was naked, but that his body was covered in bark and small twigs with leaves stuck from him.

He was a living tree.

He was The Human Tree.

And he started to grow.

Wow, what a freak show!

First I'm fighting lame ass villains all night, now I'm watching some sort of human tree grow right before my eyes.

And he's looking right at me.

And swinging an arm right at me that now looked more like a branch.

And hitting me with it.

Hard.

I was knocked off the roof and fell the ten or so stories to the ground, the concrete of the sidewalk nicely breaking my fall. I climbed out of the hole I made and started running towards the tree guy. He had started to sprout more branches and a few of them lashed out at me. I tried to dodge them but could only get past a few before one swooped down and threw me into the air. Another branch came around and hit me like I was nothing more than a baseball and I went flying into the side of a building.

"SWEET!" shouted the man in the backseat as he threw more than enough money for his fare at the driver. The man rushed out of the back of the cab and into the street.

Here he was, his hero.

He had been watching this Bush43 character for a couple weeks now and liked what he saw. The guy was strong and bullets bounced off of him and stuff like that. Neat!

He knew he was destined to work with this man and now he was handed a golden opportunity. He watched as Bush43 was tossed into the air and then batted into a nearby building.

Bush43 was in trouble. He was only one man fighting a really big tree man.

Tonight he would help Bush43 and prove himself to the hero.

Tonight he would become a sidekick.

I stepped to the hole I had made and shook my head, trying to regain focus. The world was spinning and I wasn't enjoying myself.

Another branch quickly brought me back to the here and now as it poked at me. I leapt out of the building in time to dodge it and grabbed on another, lower branch that was trying to hit me as well.

The tree creature guy started flailing his branches, trying to get me off, but I held on. Perhaps I could annoy him to death.

"Hey, Bush!" shouted a voice from below. I looked down to see some guy waiving to me.

"Get out of here!" I shouted at him as I held on to the flailing branch.

"I'm here to help!" shouted back the man as he started to run towards the tree guy.

"No, wait!" I shouted. The man stopped. "You want to help? I left something at 30th and Young, could you go get it for me?"

The man literally jumped for joy and ran off.

Now to stall.

"Oh boy!" the man said as he ran off towards 30th street. This was it! This was his first duty as sidekick!

He reached 30th street and turned toward Young, his excitement growing with each step.

What did he leave behind? A Bush Belt? The Bush Mobile? Or maybe it was a way to contact other heroes! Like a League of Lawfulness or something!

He ran, getting more and more excited.

But he was disappointed with what he found.

What was he supposed to do with this?

He shrugged and decided Bush knew what he was doing.

Then I remembered something.

I reached into my pocket and fished out my Zippo, quickly flipping the top back and lighting it. I held it up slightly so the tree guy could see it.

"Hey, uh, tree!" I shouted. He stopped and I watched his eyes widen as he saw the flame. "Yeah, that's right. Cut it out."

The tree held itself still and stared at the light.

"Oh, come on!" he shouted, raising a couple branches into the air as he rolled his eyes. "You think that's going to bother me? I'm a living tree, living trees don't burn!"

"They don't?"

"No," he said, "they smolder!"

"Oh," I said, looking to the lighter and then to branch I held onto. "Well, then smolder!"

I held the lighter to his branch. I always thought screaming trees was some kinda hippy tree hugging crap and what not, but, man, did this tree scream.

I let go as he flailed his branches and started to shrink, eventually forming back to man size and holding onto his hand, which I assumed was what I burned.

"I'll kill you for that, you son of a..."

"Look, Termie," said a voice from an alley. The tree guy and I looked over to see that damn Human Termite step out, staring at the tree guy, drooling, and then a second man step out, the guy who offered to help. "Dinner!" said the man, pointing to the tree guy. The Human Termite ran towards the tree man who screamed and tried to run, only to trip over his trenchcoat. The Human Termite was on him fast and I had to turn my head from the gruesome act.

"What do ya think?" asked the round man as he walked up to me, holding his arms out, displaying himself.

It was then that I noticed he was wearing a mask.

Oh, crap, what have I started?

"I thought you could use some help," he said.

"Yeah, um, thanks," I said, trying to find a way to get away from this freak.

"We make a pretty good team, don't we?" said the man, stepping towards me.

"Uh, well, um..." I said, stepping back, looking for a quick escape.

"I'm a big fan of your work, Mr. Bush," said the man as he grabbed my hand and started to shake it. "I've been following your exploits for weeks, I have all of your news clippings!"

"All three?" I said, trying to pull my hand from his grasp to no avail.

"Ha, ha," he said, "yes, all three, but then there's my private collection of photographs and my website and all."

Website? Private collection of photos?

"I'm your biggest fan, Mr. Bush."

"My only fan, I think," I said, finally freeing my hand.

"Yes, and I thought, who better to help you out!"

"Help me out?"

"Yeah, every great hero has a sidekick!"

"Yeah, well, uh, I'm not really that great a hero," I said, starting to edge my way towards an alley to run down.

"Ah, you're so modest," said the man, following me. "And I thought, if Bush43's going to have a sidekick, what would his name be."

Christ.

"So you can call me Cheney!" said the man from behind his Dick Cheney mask. "Or Dick if you'd like."

I've created a monster.

"You hear that, everyone?" shouted Cheney, turning to the crowd that was forming to look at the two of us and the Human Termite eat what was left of the tree man that had threatened them all. "Bush43 and his trusty sidekick, Cheney!" He turned back to me. "Or do you think I should just go by Dick?"

"NO!" I shouted at first and then I lowered my voice. "Look," I said, looking him in the eyes. "I've been doing this for only a few weeks now, maybe a month. I'm green, I suck, I get my ass kicked all the time, I'm still learning. I fight crappy villains like 'Mr. Lucky Dog' and 'Stacy', things that an old lady could take care of. So, even at my new as hell stage, I really don't need a sidekick, not right now, and probably not ever."

The man visibly sunk.

"Hey," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder, "I appreciate the gesture, I really do. And I appreciate the save today, that was great and, really, I might have been in some really deep trouble if you hadn't come along. But I don't know the first thing about this hero thing and, really, you'd be wasted here. Thanks for being a fan, thanks for watching out for me, but if you really want to help, do hero stuff as a real person, as a civilian."

"Like make a Bush Signal!" said the man, perking up.

"I was thinking more along the lines of volunteering or giving a homeless guy a buck," I said, which made the man sink again. Crap. "But a Bush Signal would be cool."

The man perked back up.

"And, I'll tell ya what," I said, getting ready to say something I was sure I'd come to regret, "if I ever need help or a sidekick, I'll let you know."

"Really?!?!!!" he said like a little kid.

"Sure," I said. "Now, I have to run, people to save and bad guys to beat, stuff like that."

"Yeah, thanks, Mr. Bush!"

"Thank you, Mr. Cheney."

And I ran off before the guy freaked me out even more.

He got back to his apartment wide awake. It had been over twenty hours since he last slept but now he was on an adrenaline rush of meeting his hero, THE Bush43. And, not only that, but he was now part of a secret society of Bushites and he was first in line for sidekick. He had been accepted, to an extent.

He went to his desk and pulled out paper and a pencil, starting to sketch his next project, one that would make Bush proud, one that would help Pacific City in its time of need.

He started designing the Bush Signal.