There was an air about Pacific City and I knew just who to blame it on.

His name was Flatulence and he did exactly what you would think he did.

"Flatulence?" I asked when he proudly stated his name. "Flatulence?!?!?!!!! Is that the best you can come up with? Jesus Christ on a hot dog bun, you people. There's ShadowWraith, Vapor, um... other guys that are out there to fight, but who do I get? Second stringers and circus rejects."

"Oh yeah!" shouted Flatulence. "Well, you're the moron in a..."

"Bush mask in Australia," I finished. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a superhero thing, you wouldn't understand."

"Understand this!" screamed my foe, turning and mooning me.

"I understand that that is your ass."

"SMELL MY PAIN, BITCH!" he shouted.

"Do what?"

And then it hit me.

The force of the blast threw me up and back through the air and into a parked car a few blocks down the street. I pulled myself out of the neat dent I had made in the car's hood and shook my head to clear it.

"Damn, dude," I said as Flatulence walked backwards towards me, bent over with his pants still down so his pale white ass faced me. He stopped and I heard him grunting as if he were straining to push out another blast. "Oh, crap."

I leapt out of the car and looked around for something, anything to stop this madness. I tore the bumper off the car and brought it up over my shoulder. I ran towards the ass as fast as I could, hoping I'd get there in time.

His grunts grew louder as I approached, more strained.

As soon as I was close enough I pushed the bumper forward, lodging it in Flatulence's ass.

His screams would delight me for the rest of the evening.

Bush43
Issue #4
"I Scream, You Scream..."
by Jason S. Kenney

"Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na Buuuuush!" I sang to the tune of the "Batman" television show theme song, not "Gettin' Jiggy With It" as sung by the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

My patrol had been pleasantly productive this evening, resulting in the apprehension of four baddies and being checked out by no less than two women. At least, I think the second one was a woman.

Ultimately the evening was considerably easier than the night before with the sidekick crap. Pfft, sidekick.

Who needs a sidekick? Does Millennium Man have a sidekick? Mysteria? That karate guy who runs around doing kung fu things? What's his name... Ah, screw it, he doesn't have a sidekick either!

Yeah.

Anyways, me, patrolling, running around and looking all smooth in my suit and George W. Bush mask and what not.

She stood in the middle of the intersection and cried. It simply seemed like the best thing to do at that moment. She ignored the screeching tires of cars dodging her and breaking to not hit her.

And she cried, tears of blood running down her cheeks as she ignored the shouts and yells of those telling her to move.

She crammed her eyes shut and covered her ears, her sobs growing. She reared back her head and screamed, shattering windows and forcing those near her to grab at their ears to shelter them from the piercing noise.

I swear my ears were about to bleed. The noise was five or six blocks away but I still heard and felt it like someone blew an air horn in my ear.

Ouch.

With ringing ears I started running towards the source of the sound, hoping whatever made the noise didn't try and make it again, though, I seriously doubted I'd hear it or much of anything for the next week or so.

I leapt onto the street and walked past the cars with broken windshields and people holding their ears, yelling to each other how they couldn't hear a thing.

And, there in the center of it all was a woman standing in the middle of an intersection, her body shaking as she cried, her hands over her ears.

At first I figured she was just someone caught in the noise like the rest of the folks around, but the way they stood away from her, hell, the way some ran away from her, kinda told me this chick was not just an innocent bystander.

"Ma'am?" I called out to her as I slowly approached. "Are you okay?"

She didn't respond, her hands over her ears, her still crying. I noticed drops from her face fall to the pavement and join the puddle of blood at her feet.

"Are you okay, mama?" I asked, stepping closer to her. I was close enough to reach out to her and put a hand on her shoulder. "Ma'am?"

She jumped back as I touched her, sucking in air and looking at me. I cringed and tried to prepare myself for her screaming, hoping she wouldn't or, at the very least, that she wasn't the source of the original noise.

The way the people nearby collectively gasped kinda told me she was the source. Silly me.

But she didn't scream. She pulled her hands down from her ears and used one to wipe the tears off her face, smudging the blood across her cheeks.

"Wha... what did you say?" she stammered through sobs.

"I asked if you were okay," I said, "I mean, you're crying and bleeding and I just thought you might need some help or something."

"You... you're concerned?" she said. "For me?"

"Um, yeah."

"You care?"

"Uh... sure." Where the hell was she going with this?

Then I found out.

She jumped at me and wrapped her arms around me, pulling my face against hers and kissing me, well, the mask really, but kissing it, deeply and passionately. I mean, she stuck her tongue through the little hole where the mouth was. She wrapped her legs around my waist and pretty much latched herself to me. I stumbled back and then tripped, falling onto my ass. She
unwrapped herself but stayed on top of me, keeping that really freaky kiss going.

And then she pulled back and leapt to her feet.

"You care!" she said, a smile across her face.

"Uh..."

"You love me! You really love me!"

"Um... wait a second," I said, scrambling to my feet. "I was just making sure you were okay and weren't going to scream anymore and stuff."

The smile quickly left her face.

"You don't care?"

"No," I said, "I do care, I just want to make sure you're alright."

"You don't love me?"

"Well, I don't..."

"COPS!" she said as she perked up and looked over her shoulder. The approaching sirens had caught her attention and grabbed my hand and started to run.

"Wait!" I said, being dragged behind her.

Crap, what the hell was going on?

Her mind screamed with joy and rage. Half of her was too excited to think, the other half wanted to destroy him and everything he represented. Parts of her wanted to play, others wanted to run, yet others wanted to surrender, others wanted to plunder, others wanted to die, others wanted to fly.

She felt so safe.

She felt so alone out of that nice building. That nice, warm building with the wonderful doctors and their wonderful drugs.

The damn mad scientists and their experiments, their torturing, their darkness, their silence as they tore into her mind, sent fire through her veins.

Yes, she was cared for. She was loved, she was happy, this man would do nicely.

She was hated. She had done bad things. She had to stop. She had to keep going. She hadn't done enough. She had done too much. She wasn't in control.

Control.

Nicely.

Yes.

Scream.

Don't scream.

Run.

"Wait!" I shouted again to no avail. She wouldn't let go of my hand, nor would she stop. She kept running, turning down an alley then down a street, crossing, dodging cars, down another alley.

Where the hell was she going?

And why the hell was she taking me with her?

Okay, Mister Super Strength Guy, time for you to take control and stuff.

I ran a little harder and jumped in front of her, stopping. She collided with me and we tumbled to the ground again. She lifted herself up slightly with her arms and stared down at me, the tears stopping, the dried blood on her cheeks cracking as she smiled.

She sat up and on top of me, freeing both of her hands that reached for my mask and began tugging on it.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I said, grabbing her hands and gently pulling them away. "Uh, that's not allowed."

She frowned, tears welling in her eyes. Dark, red tears.

"Um... hey, uh, my name's Bush," I said as happily as I could. God, I didn't want this chick to scream again.

"Hi, Bush!" she said, the smile back on her face. "I'm Teapot."

"Teapot." Freak. "Okay, hi, Teapot, it's a pleasure to meet you. Um, would you mind if I stood up."

"I kinda like you like this," she said, leaning onto me with a grin. I think she was trying to seduce me. I mean, I found out pretty quick that's exactly what she was trying to do, you know, when she grabbed my crotch and all.

I scrambled out from underneath her as she jumped to her feet with a giggle.

"I'm sorry," she said, "too forward?"

"Yeah, a little. Hey, listen," I said, getting to my feet, "it's nice to have met you and all and I'm glad you seem to be doing okay but..."

"But I'm not okay."

"Well, yeah, but you're not hurt or anything, are you?"

"Not physically."

"Good."

"But inside," she said, putting her hands over her heart and stepping toward me, "inside me," she said, grabbing my hands and putting them over her heart, "I'm so not okay."

Hands.... touching..... breasts.....

"Look," I said, pulling my hands away, "I don't think I can help you there, really. I'm not good at the whole psychology thing. But I'm sure we can find you folks who can help you out there."

"You want to put me back, don't you?" Her face turned into a mask of anger. Crap. "You want to hurt me like they did! You want to..." She was raising her voice. Oh no. No no no no no.

"No, no!" I said, stepping to her and gently holding her arms. "No, I don't want to hurt you, I want to help you."

"You love me!" she said, jumping on me and wrapping her arms and legs around me again.

I tried to pull my head back as she tried to kiss me, but she had a good enough grip to pull my head forward. She pulled back for a second and I tried to have my say.

"Wait, no, I'm just..."

And then she pulled my mask off.

Devour him.

Smother him.

Love him.

Kill him.

He is your friend.

He is your enemy.

He is your lover.

He is your father.

He is your brother.

He is your husband.

He is your savior.

Your destroyer.

Kill. Kill. Kill.

Love.

And then she kissed me again, getting her tongue through my lips this time, but I kept my teeth clamped shut.

Now, I must admit it was kinda neat in a freaky sort of way to have all of this affection showered on my. I mean, this was one of the reasons I got into this hero thing, the wemmen! But, I didn't mean the freaky nutso women. Damn, this chick was probably planning on how to kill me. Lord knows what personality I was dealing with here.

But she was kinda cute. I mean, green eyes, redhead, you gotta love a redhead.

I couldn't give in, though. She had caused damage and was a bad guy and stuff like that. Right?

Well, if she was insane she didn't necessarily do wrong, really. It's not like it's a crime if you have no idea what the hell you're doing.

That doesn't excuse it, oh no, but, I mean, I can't really throw her in jail, can I? Maybe the asylum. Yeah, and her last statement made it sound like she would LOVE that idea.

I pulled my head back and tried to talk again.

"Wait, can we talk for a second?"

She unwrapped from around me and clutched onto my arm, leaning her head on my shoulder.

"Um, Teapot, you're a nice girl and all, really," I said, pulling away from her and turning to look at her face. "And I really appreciate your...enthusiasm and am flattered by the, um, attention and stuff, but, I don't even know you."

"Then let's get to know each other!" she said, bringing her arms around my neck.

"I think you have to work out a few things for yourself first," I said, pulling back again. "I want to help you get okay inside, but you have to help yourself."

"You're talking like they talk," she said, hugging herself and lowering her face.

"Who's they?"

"The men in the white coats behind the bright lights with the sharp needles and and big words," she said, shying away from me. "You're going to take me back to them, aren't you?"

"No, no, I'm not going to take you back to the bad men," I said, trying to keep her calm, "I'm going to take you to the good men."

He's lying. Kill him. Hurt him.

Love him.

Stop him.

Help him.

Help me.

KILL!

"YOU'RE LYING!" she shouted, but not quite the piercing cry that destroyed so much. I cringed as she yelled, thankful that it wasn't bad.

I think that's what they call counting the chickens before the hatch.

She screamed loud and hard in my direction. My body shook with the ground, my insides quivering, my ears splitting. Sound waves can suck.

I grabbed my ears, my head throbbing as she kept screaming. I fell to my knees and retched as my stomach cried "uncle".

She stopped yelling, I think, not that I could hear anything other than the ringing in my ears. I didn't notice any change until she kicked me in the face and sent me up and over, sprawling on my back.

She straddled me again and leaned into my face, saying something that I couldn't hear.

"What?" I shouted back. She cringed at my yell and slapped me, probably saying something about not having to shout. She turned my head and leaned in close to my ear.

Only she didn't say anything. She just stuck her tongue in my ear.

I turned my head but she kept her tongue out, leaving a trail of saliva across my forehead. She came down my nose and tried to kiss me again.

And then she suddenly stopped and looked up. I looked over as she leapt off of me and saw a few glorious police officers with their guns out, shouting something to her. And me. I raised my hands and looked to her to see her taking in a deep breath.

Crap.

I covered my ears as she shouted again, but all I heard was the ringing already in my ears. I looked to the cops to see them falling to the ground and decided that was my time to move.

I got to my feet and grabbed Teapot, putting my hand over her mouth and immediately pulling it back, the vibrations from her yell shaking the hell out of it and really stinging. She stopped yelling and turned with a concerned look on her face as I cradled my sore hand. I think something was broken.

She gently took the hand from me and brought it to her mouth, lightly pecking the back of it a few times, her lips moving up to the fingers. She took one in her mouth before I pulled my hand away.

And she got angry again.

This was not going well at all.

And then I saw him. Kinda. I saw a gray blur, really. Someone had leapt from a nearby roof and landed behind Teapot, grabbing her shoulder and spinning her to face him. With another blur, she was out cold, collapsing in his arms.

"Wow!" I shouted, not really knowing I was shouting, but you know how it is when you can't hear. "What did you do?"

The man in the gray cringed as I yelled at him. He laid Teapot down and stood back up, saying something to me that I couldn't hear.

His costume was pretty kick ass, all gray with a yin-yang symbol on the front. I felt like I should have known the guy from somewhere but I couldn't quite place it.

"Do I know you?" I shouted, getting another cringe and having the guy yell at me again. Still, no go.

"What?" I shouted, the man covering his ears and yelling again.

"What?"

His hand moved faster than I could see it, hitting my throat and causing me to choke.

I guess he wanted me to shut up.

I clutched my throat with one hand as I tried to suck in air. My free hand instinctively swung out to hit the man in self defense and all, missing horribly as he stepped back and grabbed my wrist. Before I knew it my feet had come out from under me and I quickly anticipated being tossed forward like Alfonse had done when I went to the Burke Manor.

Needless to say I was horribly wrong and completely unprepared to simply fall on my ass.

I was about mid fall when I remembered the guy.

That karate guy who runs around doing kung fu things.

Silver Shadow.

I hit the ground hard and probably yelled as best I could with a throat that had been hit in such a manner as to make it really hard for me to yell. If that makes any sense.

I leapt to my feet and brought my hands up, ready to rumble.

Only, there was no one there.

Well, hell. Son of a bitch takes a cheap shot and runs, eh?

I slowly walked over to pick up my mask, rubbing my sore ass the whole time.

The cops started to come to and I figured that was as good a time as any to get out of there. I took one last look at the beautiful but totally fucked up Teapot and jumped onto the nearest fire escape, climbing to the roof and sitting down for a bit until my hearing and ass fixed themselves well enough for me to gallivant on home.

Stupid Silver Shadow. Making me look like a fool.

Oy, my ass.