I was still sore as hell.

Forty eight hours ago I was being slammed face first into asphalt by a machine employed by the mayor of Pacific City to tear me a new one in front of everyone.

Forty eight hours later I'm the one still alive while he's pushing up daisies and his little tin can is junk.

Funny how things turn out.

Just a little over forty eight hours after I had freed myself from Alhazred Asylum, the same Alhazred that still smoldered forty eight hours later. Alhazred, once home to at least a couple hundred psychopaths and nut jobs, now a pile of rubble and ashes, the final resting place for whoever wasn't smart enough to escape while all hell was breaking loose.

My bad.

Christ, all those people on the loose again and just because I got impatient and wanted out.

Hell, can ya blame me? Besides, if I hadn't gotten out and set it up to where others could, I might have been caught in whatever the hell it was that destroyed the place. That wouldn't have been good. Not for me, at least.

So maybe it's for the best that I'm the cause of a new crime wave that's just waiting to wash over the city as the would be villain's bide their time.

Yeah.

There was little I could do about it now other than do my job. Kinda cool that I created work for myself, I guess.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" I asked as I dodged a claw swung out by a man covered in what looked to be scales.

"I am Dragonman!" he shouted, swinging at me again as I stepped back to dodge.

"Dragonman? You look more like a fish than a dragon."

"Fish?!?!!" shouted the man. Then he jumped at me and I just threw myself out of the way. He came down with both fists into the ground, cracking the sidewalk where I had previously stood.

"Well," I said as I came to my feet, "you are covered in fish scales."

"They're DRAGON SCALES!" he shouted, tearing a chunk of the sidewalk up and throwing it at me.

I caught it.

With my gut.

But, still, I caught it. And it knocked the wind out of me. I leaned forward, clutching my stomach and quickly stood back upright as a clawed hand raked at the air where my head was.

"Look, I've seen fishies and I've seen lizards," I said, "and those are definately fish scales."

The man screamed and came at me again. I stepped aside and punched him in the side of the head as he stumbled by.

"Ew, see?" I said, holding up my hand that had scales on it. "You're shedding them and they're thin and shiny and stuff, just like fish scales. You should be Fishman or, better yet, The Minnow! Think of the fear you could strike in the hearts of those who oppose you!"

He mustn't have liked that cause he swung out and shred the front of my suit.

We both paused as I looked down my tattered suit and shirt. I looked up to see him smiling like he'd just removed my kidney or something.

"That's it," I said.

You should have seen the look on his face as I pounced on him.

"Do," punch, "you," punch, "have," punch, "any," punch, "i-," punch, "-dea," punch, "how", punch, "much," punch, "this," punch, "suit," punch, "cost?!?!!" punch.

He started to fall but I grabbed him and held him up, his head wobbling, his legs giving way. Yeah, I'd beaten the shit out of the little fishy.

"Hey, hey," I said, smacking him around, "hey, wake up, dude."

He rolled his eyes to look into mine, his head low.

"Can you do me a favor?" I asked. He didn't reply, probably brain dead from the beating I just gave him, but whatever. "Stand up," I said, setting him up on his feet and steadying him. "There, wait," I caught him and stood him back up, balancing him on his feet. "There," I said, "perfect."

And I kicked him in the nuts.

"YES!" I shouted as he fell to the ground, his eyes wide and his mind very conscious once again as the sudden shock of pain in his genetalia brought him to.

"Do you know how long it's been since I've been able to pull that off?!!!" I asked, leaning over him and then standing back up right, extending my arms in the air. "WOOO!!

"Look out, Pacific City, I'm freakin' BACK!"

Bush43
Issue #9
Freedom Fries, Freedom Toast, Freedom Kisses, Freedom Ticklers And Titles That Have Nothing To Do With The Contents Of The Story
by Jason Kenney

So many questions that needed answering.

What exactly destroyed Alhazred Asylum?

Who was that that destroyed the Siege Engine and killed Mayor Jerrod?

How the hell was I going to get some sort of identification so I could get to my money?

Who put the bop in the bop-shu-bop-she-bop?

How much more money would Isiah let me bum off of him before he beat me up?

More of the same.

Guess how many answers I had?

One tends to have a lot of time to think when you're sitting on a roof, scanning empty streets below in the hopes that someone would be doing something bad so you could be good and stop it.

It is wrong to want someone to break a crime? I mean, is it a good day or a bad day when it's slow? Good cause folks are being good or bad cause you get bored and are pretty useless?

I hadn't seen a damn thing all night after that fish guy. Where were all the baddies?

Hell, where were the other heroes?

Was there some secret kegger they didn't invite me to?

An explosion freed me from my boredom.

Yea, something to do!

A plume of fire and smoke reached into the sky a few blocks away and I ran and leapt my way there.

A branch of Pacific City First Bank sat without a front, fire billowing from its interior, debris and vehicles strewn across the street before it. Someone put a lot of oomph into that blast.

And then I saw who as two men walked through the flames and onto the sidewalk in front of the building.

I decided to leap down and say hello.

"Excuse me, gentlemen," I said as I landed with a thud right in front of them. They both stopped, startled at first and then their faces turned to smiles at the same time, their motions exact, almost choreographed, their smiles as identical as their faces and their clothes. "Can I help you guys?"

"Are you an officer?" asked the one closest to me.

"Uh.... No?"

"Are you a reporter?" asked the second.

Do I look like a reporter?

"Um, yes?"

"Good," said the first. "I am Al."

"I am Ike," said the second.

Oh, good gravy.

"And we are AlIke!" they said in unison.

"Of course you are," I said.

"And as one good thing deserves another," said Al, "you can tell the public to anticipate a second robbery with a more brilliant pyrotechnic display in the very near future."

"Really?" I said.

"Yes," said Ike, "shouldn't you be writing this down?"

"Nah," I said, "I've got a good memory. Besides, I'm not a reporter."

"Oh," said Al, his smile faltering at the same time as Ike's.

"Well, come on, people, look at me! I just jumped from fifteen stories up and left a dent in the road without a scratch on myself. Hell, I'm wearing a goddamn George W. Bush mask!"

"I did think it was a little late for Halloween," said Al.

"We do not appreciate being lied to," said Ike.

"Yeah," I said, "I know, but I don't like people robbing banks and blowing stuff up, you know?"

"So what do you intend to do about it?" said Al as both men pulled out guns and pointed them right at me.

"Yes," said Ike, "do you wish to be a hero?"

I rolled my eyes. Christ, these guys were stupid.

"Not a matter of 'wishing to be'," I said, followed by a swift kick into Al's nuts. "I already am."

And Ike pulled the trigger.

My head rocked back hard as the bullet tore into my mask, ricocheted off my forehead, tore back out of the mask and flew into the great unknown.

Then the piercing headache hit.

Then I got pissed.

I swung hard and connected with Ike's face as he fired a second shot, this one bouncing off my chest. He stumbled back and I hit him again, knocking him to the ground. He didn't bother to move.

"And because one good thing deserves another!" I said as I kicked Ike while he was down.

"Leave him alone!" shouted Al as he lunged at me. I hadn't even noticed him getting to his feet. He tackled me to the ground and brought a fist back to hit me. Then he gasped and looked to his hand as it stayed up. He seemed to be struggling to pull it down, something holding onto it.

And then he was quickly thrown off of me and into the air, landing on the ground a few yards away and starting to flip out.

Great, another invisible something.

And then she wasn't invisible anymore.

Her back was to me so I wasn't a hundred percent sure but I was damn certain that I was once again in the presence of her hotness, the lovely Mysteria.

I sat up and watched her work.

Al scrambled to his feet and was knocked back to the ground by a lovely jab from Mysteria. Her cape flowed behind her as she gracefully moved around to avoid Al kicking out with his feet in a pathetic attempt to do something other than get his ass kicked.

He sat up, which wasn't smart because it put his head in just the right position for Mysteria to knee him in the face and pretty much knock the bastard out.

But she wasn't done yet. Oh no, she leaned over and picked Al up by the collar of his shirt and then threw him across the street. He went face first into the other sidewalk with a landing that was not very graceful.

"Hey," I started to say as I turned back to her. She had turned her attention on the now half conscious Ike. He started to sit up only to be stopped by Mysteria straddling him.

Lucky guy.

Well, lucky up to the point where she started to pound his face in. She got in two or three punches before his body went limp, but she didn't stop there, bringing her fists down again and again.

I got up and ran to her and grabbed her right arm as it came back with another punch.

Enough was enough.

"I think you got him," I said, trying not to notice the blood on her hands and the mess of a face that belonged to Ike. Christ, I hope she hadn't killed him.

"Shouldn't you be in jail?" she asked, yanking her fist away from me and standing up, staring down at Ike.

"Nah, got out early for good behavior. Model citizen, I was."

"They arrested you for a reason," she said as she looked to me her contempt showing through her mask.

"Well, not really arrested as much as committed," I said, getting to my feet. "There is a difference, but it's just the padded rooms and comfy jackets really."

"You are a menace."

"To society," I said with a grin. "You down with OPP?"

She wasn't amused.

"Okay, so that's Naughty by Nature, but it was funny."

No response.

Ooooookay, tough crowd.

"So, yeah, I'm out now," I said. "Miss me?"

"Not in the least," she said, still glaring at me.

"Oh, come on, you can admit it, Vicky, you missed me."

My, she was strong, I noted as her hands found their way around my neck and squeezed.

"What did you just say?" she asked through clenched teeth.

Man, I caught her on a bad day.

"Uh..." I croaked, "it's okay, your secret's safe with me," I said, giving her a thumbs up.

She let go of my neck and I stumbled back, gasping for breath.

"How the hell..." she started.

"Oh, come on," I said, between breaths, "like that mask hides anything. I mean, it's like wearing glasses and thinking no one will know it's you. Besides, I'd know that rac..... ther nice body anywhere. Yeah."

She stood for a moment and I could tell she was furious.

"Okay, I'm sorry," I said. "Lucky guess on my part and you just confirmed it is all."

And then, as if I needed further proof of her fury, she leapt at me.

I tried to move to the side and failed to dodge a punch from her that actually hurt.

I stepped back and shook my head and then looked...

To see nothing.

"Oh, poop," I started, cut off as I was hit in the gut. What the hell was it with invisible things beating the crap out of me? Another hit came to my face and then my legs were kicked out from under me, sending me onto my ass and then my back. I laid for a moment and then felt a stomp on my face.

"You realize," stomp, "I'm," stomp, "invincible," stomp, "right?"

She became visible and smiled.

"Then this shouldn't bother you one bit," she said, and then she tried to stomp me in the nuts, but I very quickly and instinctively covered them up, not completely removing the blow but helping take a hell of a lot out of it.

"No fair," I said as she pulled her foot away and then became invisible again. "Really not fair!" I shouted as I stood up only to feel a kick to my face and then either a punch, a kick or a truck hit me in the gut again.

And then I felt the urge to put my hands up, catching her foot as it came for my face, and I held on, dropping a bit and sweeping a leg out, catching her other one and sending her back.

Damn, I'm good. Karate Kid, baby!

She became visible and then bounded to her feet.

"Hey, hey, hey," I said as she crouched ready, "look, we're on the same side here, you and I, we're fighting the good fight."

She was getting even more ready to kick my ass.

"And if it weren't for your butler I'd be dead."

Her face dropped. Oh, she didn't know?

"What do you mean?" she said, keeping her stance.

"Alfonse, your butler," I said. "He's a good guy, was a great help in getting my ass out of Alhazred."

"Alfonse broke you out?"

"Well, I did most of the breaking, but he certainly was the reason I could do it so well."

With a raging scream she jumped at me again.

I blocked one punch with my forearm and then another. I leapt back a bit to avoid a kick. She was lashing out wildly and I was having a hard time avoiding it. Man, something was eating at her.

"Mysteria," I said, dodging a punch and getting no response.

"Mysteria," I said, pushing away her attempt at a kick.

"MYSTERIA!" I said, catching her fist as it came at my face. She swung with her other hand and I caught that as well. I jumped back to dodge a knee that so desperately wanted to hit my boys.

"Stop for a second," I said as I noticed the sound of sirens. "Look, you don't like me and I think you're hot, but can we carry on this conversation elsewhere?"

She reared her head forward and head butted me right in the nose. I stumbled back and grabbed at my face. I may be invulnerable, but that still hurt like hell!

A kick, a punch, another punch, she was coming at me again and I was unable to do a thing.

I'd been purposefully holding back, trying really hard to resist fighting her. I was brought up proper like. It wasn't right to hit a lady.

But this bitch needed some sense knocked into her.

I found my opportunity and backhanded her so hard you'd have thought I'd warmed my pimp hand up just for it.

Okay, so I didn't 'hit' her, I smacked her.

She stumbled back cause, while it was only a smack, I regretfully put some strength into it.

"You're a damn hero," I shouted at her, "go fucking save people and let me do my job."

She came at me again.

Fine, then, if that's the way you want it.

And I punched her.

A rag doll wouldn't have collapsed better.

***

Even the doorbell sounded rich. Low and solid, it rang loud and was probably heard throughout the big ass house. Oh to be rich and secure and have a kick ass doorbell.

Alfonse opened the door and had his mouth opened for some sort of greeting but stopped when he saw her in my arms.

He scooped Victoria Burke/Mysteria away from me and turned back into the house. He didn't kick the door closed so I assumed it was okay to follow suit.

"What happened?" he asked as he carried her into a huge ass room that looked more like a museum than a living room.

"Uh, she hit her head," I said as I pulled off my mask and looked around.

"On what?" he asked as he laid her on a couch.

"My fist?" I said, looking to him with a half smirk as I stuffed my mask in my pocket. His head snapped around and he glared at me. "Look, she started it, I told her to cut it out, she kept hitting me, I hit her once, boom, gone."

He stared at me for a moment and then turned back to her.

"You might want to get some ice on the left side of her forehead," I said. "I would have done it, but I though it better to run her here than stop somewhere for ice."

"You ran here?" he asked as he stood up and started to walk out of the living room.

"Well, yeah," I said, following him, "I mean, it's not like I have a Bush Mobile or anything."

"How long has she been out?" he asked as we walked into the kitchen that looked more like one of those deals you'd fine in a five star restaurant, not in a house.

"About fifteen, maybe twenty minutes?"

"You run pretty fast," said Alfonse as he opened the freezer.

"Well, I am superstrong."

Alfonse didn't say anything as he pulled an icepack from the fridge.

"Here," he said, handing the icepack to me. "Go put that on her head."

"Um, what if she comes too?" I asked.

"Then tell her tea will be ready shortly."

And Alfonse turned from me and walked to a cabinet and pulled out a tea kettle.

Okay.

I went back out to the antique showroom and to the passed out Mysteria on the couch. Alfonse had pulled off her mask and if you ignored the red bump forming on her head you'd think she was just sleeping.

I knelt on the floor next to the couch and rested the icepack on the bump on her head and held it there.

Yeah, so hero stuff isn't all glamorous, so what?

She stirred a bit as the bag settled onto her head.

She really was an attractive lady and her outfit did everything to show it. Tight with fishnet stockings, she looked more like a lady of the night than a heroine. But she gave the outfit a certain grace that kept it from looking too trashy.

She stirred again and started to open her eyes.

Here goes.

"Hello," I said, smirking a bit.

"Where am I?" she asked slowly as she started to look around.

"You're home, Miss Burke," I said as she reached up to grab the icepack but instead touched my hand.

Oh my.

"Here," I said, moving my hand so she could grab the icepack. She pushed herself upright and looked around some more.

Then she realized she was still in costume and that she had no idea who the hell I was.

"Who..." she shouted as she jumped to her feet. "Who are you..."

"Hey, hey," I said, standing up, "careful, you have a nasty bump on your head."

"Who are you?" she stated, ignoring my concerns for her.

"Ah, it is nice to see you up and moving, Miss Burke," said Alfonse as he walked into the room with a tray in his hands and tea stuff all over it. "Please, do sit down before you make yourself dizzy."

"Alfonse, who is..." she started, stepping away from me and looking to her butler.

"This gentleman is Mister Jeffery Carter. He brought you here this evening."

"But he knows..."

"I knew before," I said with a shrug.

She looked back at me, silent and wide eyed. I pulled the mask out of my pocket and held it up.

"Taa daa," I said quietly and without much flair. I was kinda embarrassed. Other than Isiah, this was the first time I actually told anyone outright about the mask and me and stuff.

"You son of a..." she said, stepping towards me and pulling the icepack off her head.

"Toria!" shouted Alfonse and she stopped and turned to him. And they stared at each other. For a long time.

I was quite uncomfortable. There was something there I did not want to get into the middle of.

"Uh, I think I'll just get going then..."

"Mister Carter," said Alfonse, turning his gaze to me, "you must stay for tea."

"I want him out of my house," said Victoria, keeping her stare on Alfonse.

"He is staying for tea, Miss Burke," said Alfonse, stiffening his back and turning to her. "And might I suggest you change into something more appropriate. We do have company, after all."

Victoria stared at Alfonse for a few moments and then disappeared.

"Now," said Alfonse as he set the tray on the coffee table, "do you take milk with your tea, Mister Carter?"