Guess what? Henry Burke was Millennium Man. It's true. I've seen his secret lair.

And it's freakin' huge!

Think big ass cave/cavern filled with stuff. Neat stuff. Stuff you've never seen before. Really fantastic stuff.

It was like the Batcave.

I saw it all.

Alfonse showed it to me, accessing a convenient secret entrance from the study of Burke Mansion that led down a staircase to the lair below.

But I didn't have much time to enjoy the view.

"You will have time to explore the caves later, Mister Carter," said Alfonse as I stood at the bottom of the stairs, gaping at everything. "Right now we are here to begin your training."

"Yeah," I said, coming to and looking to the butler, "no offense, Alfonse, but are you going to be training me?"

He stopped and turned to me.

"Yes, Mister Carter, I will be your instructor."

"So, uh, am I learning to be a butler?" I asked, walking towards him while looking around. "Cause, I mean, that'd be great and all, but I need to learn this..."

I stopped speaking, though not because I wanted to. No, Alfonse struck my windpipe quickly and, truthfully, quite painlessly, but well enough to make me have to gasp for breath.

It was a move very similar to the cheap shot that Silver Shadow guy got in on me, that son of a bitch.

"First lesson, speak only when necessary."

I tried to speak and ended up having to give Alfonse a thumbs up with my free hand while the other massaged my throat.

Asshole.

"Wearing the mask that you do is a luxury many other heroes do not have," he said, turning and walking towards a row of computers. "It covers your entire face, concealing your identity much better than the small ones Millennium Man and Mysteria choose to use."

I tried to speak and it came out as a gasp.

"Yes," said Alfonse, turning back to me, "some people know your name, but that is only a handful. There are over a million people in this city. Five knowing is an insignificant amount.

"On the other hand, out of the many people in this city, there are only a few Americans who fit your description. You do more harm to your identity every time you open your mouth, Mister Carter. So while the banter is humorous for some, the results may not be."

Never thought of that.

"If you are going to continue to have a secret identity, you must be willing to take all necessary measures to keep it so. That includes shutting up once in a while without having someone jab you in the throat."

Thanks, asshole.

And so my training began.

Bush43 #10
" Learning A Little Humility For Fun And Profit "
by Jason S. Kenney

"Alf, tell me something. You aren't really a butler, are you?" I asked one day as my face was firmly pushed into the floor, my arms pulled and pinned behind me, a sharp pain running up my spine from the knee dug deeply into my lower back.

"I would appreciate it if you would refrain from calling me Alf in the future," said Alfonse, letting me go and stepping back as I slowly tried to move parts of my body back to where they belonged. "But I am indeed a butler."

"Ninja Butler, maybe," I said, stretching a bit, trying to ease the pain in my muscles. "You have to have done this ass kicking thing professionally to some extent. I mean, you don't learn to fu some kung while dusting, do ya?"

"I worked with Mister Burke for many years," said Alfonse as he wiped at his forehead with a towel. "After forty years one tends to learn a thing or two."

"I guess, but, still," I said, slowly pushing myself to my feet and stretching my arms above my head, "you're pretty spry for an old man, no offense."

"Of course," said Alfonse with a cocked eyebrow and a look of displeasure.

"Well, you must admit," I said, trying to climb out of the hole I had dug for myself with that comment, "there aren't many other guys in their, uh, fifties who can do what you do."

The look of displeasure faded as Alfonse shook his head with a grin.

"Perhaps it is because I am sixty nine."

Wow, you're old, I thought, but instead I said, "Really? I'd have never thought it, you know, considering how well you kick my ass."

"Mister Carter, a four year old girl could kick your ass, as you say."

"Hey now, how do you figure?"

"If a four year old girl were to attack you, would you fight back?"

"Depends, is she six four and bigger than a truck?"

"I am afraid not, Mister Carter."

"Well, then I guess you're right because I wouldn't fight back."

"Then you would be of no use should BabyDoll decide to attack Pacific City."

"Who?"

"It does not matter," said Alfonse with a waive of his hand. "But your chauvinism may well prove more of a hindrance than a blessing, Mister Carter, as I can promise you someone like Venus Mantrap would not have taken into considering what a gentleman you were as she disemboweled you."

"Oh. Did you just say disemboweled?"

"Would you prefer 'eviscerate'?"

"It is more proper sounding."

"Perhaps you'd prefer 'emasculate'."

"I get the picture, Alf."

By the time I could react it was merely me saying ouch as my face hit the floor, Alfonse holding my arms behind my back once more.

"You need to be prepared for anything, Mister Carter," said Alfonse, "especially if you insist on calling me Alf."

***

"Are you sure you can keep up with me?" I asked Alfonse as I looked across the city in the hopes of finding a baddie to beat around.

"Are you nervous, Mister Carter?"

"Well, I've never had anyone study me while I work," I said. "I mean, not that I know of, so, yeah, I guess I'm a little nervous. Is this really necessary?"

"As I have said before," said Alfonse as he stood a few feet behind me and looked at me, waiting to watch me in action, "if we are to properly train you than I must be able to gage your current abilities so I can decide what aspects we need to work on."

"Uh huh," I said, "and you couldn't just keep kicking my ass and figure it out?"

"I need to see you in action if I am to decide how to prepare you for it in the future, Mister Carter."

"Oooookay," I said, squinting as I saw something. "Here's your chance, Jeeves."

I leapt to the next building before Alfonse could kick my ass for that one.

I kept running along the roof tops, turning and jumping across the street and starting to be parallel to the prey.

A couple of young looking guys were chasing after some lady who was really having trouble running and screaming at the same time.

And then she did the genius thing and turned down a darken alley that had no exit.

Sigh.

You know, there'd really be no need for heroes and stuff if people would just pay attention to their surroundings.

Anyways, the two guys turned into the alley and started to approach her just as I got to one of the buildings that made up an alley wall.

I looked over and heard them laugh as they approached the sobbing woman who had her back pressed against the wall.

I jumped off the roof and went straight down all twelve or so stories, landing hard on one of the thugs' shoulders.

He, of course, collapsed under my awesome greatness.

His buddy turned with a dropped jaw, his knife held loosely enough to where it really wasn't threatening.

A quick kick in the nuts made him drop it, making it even less so.

"God, you guys are making this easy," I said as I stepped off of the first guy and past the one who was curled up in pain. "Are you okay?" I said as I looked up to the lady.

And before I knew it she threw herself at me.

Now, I'd saved a few damsels in distress in the past and kinda expected this to happen before, but this was the first time the rescued lass had actually clutched onto me and sobbed, so happy to be free that I didn't even need my smooth charm to get her.

Okay, so it wasn't what I expected. Here I thought I'd be all "damn right, look at me the hero," when it'd happen. Instead I found myself at a very rare loss for words as I had no idea what to do to comfort or calm this woman down.

"It's okay," I said, patting her back as she cried into my shoulder. "It's okay, you're safe now."

She held on.

I looked over my shoulder to make sure the baddies were still down and, yeah, they were. Damn, I'm good.

I heard sirens in the distance growing louder as they approached, hoping they were on their way here cause I really had no idea what to do.

A few moments later I heard screeching tires and saw the lights flashing in the street.

"Okay," I said, gently prying the woman off of me, "the police are here, they'll take care of you. Okay?"

She sniffed and nodded and then embraced me again, tightly, and whispered into my ear.

"Thank you."

Wow, someone thanked me!

She let me go and I stepped back, looking at her for a second.

This chick ruled.

I turned around to see a couple cops slowly entering the alley.

I leapt to the fire escape before one could shout freeze. They didn't even fire at me on the way up, how nice of them.

I got to the roof and was ready to run when I came face to face with Alfonse.

He stared at me for a bit, silent.

"Easy one," I said with a shrug. "Though, I do need to learn how to handle situations like that."

"Situations like what?" asked Alfonse.

"Well, the lady clutching onto me and stuff. I mean, what do I say to her? What do I do? I can't really afford to stand there until she either calms down of the cops show up."

"It is something you can never really prepare for," said Alfonse, turning and walking across the roof. "Just something you have to deal with on a case by case basis. My recommendation is you simply work on your people skills in general."

"Hey, now, my people skills rule," I said, following him. "I just choose to use different ones when I'm jumping around and stuff."

"Indeed," said Alfonse, glancing over to me. "Did you also bother to check whether or not the gentleman you landed on was still alive?"

Oh, crap.

Alfonse couldn't see my face though the mask, but I'm pretty sure he knew the look on it.

"The bull in a China shop routine can only go so far," said Alfonse, now fully turning to me. "Unless you do not mind going 'too far' from time to time."

"I may have killed that guy," I said, turning around and going back across the roof. I looked over the edge and into the alley below to see the one cop dragging the nutless wonder off, another comforting the woman and two others bent over the man I landed on. New sirens were blaring ever closer.

I thought about shouting out to see if he was okay, but I thought better of it.

"There is nothing you can do about it now," said Alfonse as he stepped up next to me. "All you can do is keep it in mind next time."

"Holy crap," I said, turning away and sitting down. "I never thought about that."

"The possibility of killing someone?"

"No, I mean, I've always thought about people getting hurt or killed or something by accident. Like..." God, I was still upset over it. "... Like that couple with the robot. But I never thought about me killing someone. Not like that."

"Death happens, Mister Carter, sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose, always unexpectedly for someone along the line. What you must do in this profession is distance yourself from that."

"Distance myself?" I looked up to him. "From killing?"

"Not killing, Mister Carter," said Alfonse, "but death in general."

I shook my head.

"No, uh-uh, if I start to distance myself I start to excuse it."

"There is a difference..."

"No," I said, standing up, "no, there isn't. If I distance myself I become unattached from it and it's becomes 'part of the job'. So I get sloppy and shrug it off and next thing I know I'm killing people because they urinate in public. No, that's not right."

Alfonse stared at me for a moment, seeming to wait for me to go on but I had finished what I had to say.

He nodded.

"Very well," he said, "as long as we both know where you stand on that we can progress with some of the training."

He started to walk across the roof again.

"How's that?" I asked, walking with him.

"If death was not an issue then your training would focus more on brute force, utilizing your strength and invulnerability and just overpowering an opponent. The benefits of that approach is it is the easiest and fastest way to learn and handle a threat. The detriment is the increased instance of opponents expiring on you.

"But, because death is an issue, you have a lot to learn." We stopped as we reached the opposite edge of the roof. "I will have to teach you to fight with more finesse and thought on tactics. You will have to use your brain," he said, tapping the side of my head.

"Can't I just keep kicking guys in the nuts and call it a night?"

"No."

And then he disappeared.

***

"Alfonse, I'm serious here, before this butler gig you were a super secret hyper trained ninja spy or something, right?"

Alfonse had some sort of grip on my wrist that paralyzed everything below my shoulders. It didn't hurt, but it wasn't comfortable either.

And, really, it's not something you learn serving dinner to uppity people.

He sighed as he let me go and I felt a rush of feeling enter my body. Which wasn't all too pleasant considering the beating I had taken throughout the day.

"When I was a few years younger than you are," said Alfonse as I reached for a towel and started to wipe the sweat off of my face, "I found myself with the unique abilities to turn myself invisible on a whim. And I did. It was quite the useful power for a young man to have."

"I bet," I said with a cocked eyebrow. "Alfonse, you dog..."

"Not for that, Mister Carter," Alfonse said with almost a look of disgust. "But for more profitable ventures. I was nineteen when I committed my first crime, stealing a watch from some random shop in London."

"You were a thief?" I said, shocked and awed at the prospect.

"Yes," said Alfonse with a nod. "A thief. At first. Being invisible, one can approach people entirely undetected, allowing one to do many things to that person."

"Including killing them," I said slowly, understanding.

"I was very good at it," he said with what might have been a slight smirk. "There are innumerable ways to kill a man with your bare hands, Mister Carter, and I can say that I was efficient with many of them."

I was too stunned to say anything.

"Of course, a lot of this was also in the name of profit. Bolder robberies, assassinations and the like. Despite my effectiveness I managed to remain under the radar of most heroes of the time. There were a couple who decided to try and intervene against me. Our late mayor for one."

"Mayor Jerrod?" I said, having something to respond to. "You guys fought?"

"If you would like to call it a fight, I suppose we did," he said. "Needless to say, I got away and continued my spree. Until 1958."

"Millennium Man," I said and he nodded.

"I was slipping into a federal reserve in the United States. It was my boldest and would have been my largest crime yet. But Mister Burke showed up in the nick of time to save the day. But, instead of turning me over to the authorities, he hired me as his butler. Shortly afterwards I was learning from him and he was learning from me."

"And it's been the straight and narrow ever since, huh?" I asked.

And got no response.

"Alfonse?"

"More or less, Mister Carter," said Alfonse with a smile that actually frightened me.

"Remind me not to cross you, Alfonse."

"You would be wise to note it for yourself," he replied, his smile fading as he switched to a more serious tone. "I want you to defend yourself."

"What's that?"

"Using what I have shown you so far, I want you to defend yourself as best as possible."

"Defend myself against..." he disappeared "what....

"Crap."

Something hit my face, something hit my gut, something brought my legs from underneath me, something stomped on me as I hit the ground, something picked me up, something hit my face again.

I staggered and he became visible, shaking his head.

"Mister Carter, I am very disappointed in..."

I cut him off with a kick in the nuts.

"Someone let their guard down," I said with a smile as he fell to the ground.

***

"I want you to try and stop a bad guy without kicking them in their sex organs, Mister Carter."

"What? Next you're going to tell me to stop them without touching them!"

"Mister Carter..."

"And sex organs?" I said as I looked across the city. "Really, Alfonse, call them what they are. Nuts. Balls. Boys. Family jewels. You're not teaching me anatomy."

"Perhaps I am trying to teach you some tact."

"Uh huh, and how to make a bed. Soon I'll be working on a fence, wax on, wax off."

"Mister Carter."

"Yes, Alfonse?"

"Do be quiet."

And he disappeared.

At least he didn't hit me in the throat.

The city was pretty quiet. Too quiet. And not in a clichéd kinda way like something was up. No, it really was too quiet. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to be a hero without any evils to rally against?

And what the hell was up with Alfonse? I mean, ever since he told me his little story, the guy's been creeping me out. Sure, he broke my ass out of Alhazred and he's kinda taken me under his wing, but he's a bad guy. Or was. Or still is.

Christ, why can't the world just be all black and white?

I leapt to another building and kept running and jumping, moving around to see if anything was happening anywhere else.

Nothing.

God, I was bored.

Then I heard a glorious gunshot!

Well, I mean, it's not really good to hear a gunshot cause someone might get hit and stuff, but it's great to break the boredom. Win some, lose some.

I ran towards the sound, hoping I'd get there in time to save anyone who needed savin' and beat up anyone who needed a beatin'.

I leapt off the edge of a building and plummeted to the street below, landing with a wonderful thud that sent a nice shock through my body that made me feel all tingly afterwards. Ah....

Then the street gave away and I fell into the sewer below.

My, I hope Alfonse didn't see that.

I jumped out of the hole, covered in crap and moistness I didn't even want to begin trying to identify and looked to see red and blue lights flashing. Cops beat me here. Damn.

I saw a man in uniform standing over a body, gun pointing down. He looked over his shoulder at me and I waived.

"Well, officer," I said, looking at the body, "looks to me like you've got everything..." I saw the body's face. It looked familiar. "....under control?" I looked back to the cop.

That's why the face was so familiar.

"Twins?"

I twisted my body to avoid a shot from the cop, stumbling and gracefully falling to the ground.

"You!" shouted the cop, firing at me again. I rolled and winced at the chips of pavement that attacked me as the bullet bit into the ground. I ended up on my back just in time to see the cop over me, gun right towards my face.

"You lost me my money," said the cop, the look on his face none to pleasant.

"Were you betting on me against that robot?" I asked, lifting my head a bit and trying to figure out what the hell this guy meant. "Cause, you know, the odds weren't all that good."

He fired.

My head shot back and into the pavement as the bullet pushed on and then off my forehead. God, was I gonna have a headache.

I grabbed the man's leg and twisted my body around, turning his leg as I went, hoping I'd snap something or trip him or something of the sort.

But his leg twisted with me. I mean REALLY twisted.

I let go and scrambled back and onto my feet.

"Dude, that's not cool," I said as his foot stayed pointing from behind him. He turned his head around to face backwards too, a smile widening across his face. And I mean REALLY widening.

"Hey, I know you!" I said. "You all clean from your street sweeping?"

He jumped at me.

I resisted the urge to just kick this bastard in the nuts and went to punch him instead, getting him right in the jaw, which indented around my hand as the rest of him kept coming.

"Eww!"

He was on me and I fell back, hitting the ground and trying to move but stuck as this... thing, whatever it was, started to ooze and pin me down.

"Uh, I don't know if that's natural," I said as a head formed from the mass. "I'd have that looked at if I were you."

A fist formed and came at my head, hitting me harder than a pile of putty really should have been able to.

Fine, screw this guy.

I flexed and pushed, tearing the guy off the ground and pushing myself up. I struggled to my feet while this thing tried to wrap around me.

"Look, man," I said, tearing an arm free, "I'm flattered and all, but you really aren't my type."

I hammered my fist down into him and did nothing but get my arm caught again.

Great.

And then a wave surged from him and covered my head.

Now, being invulnerable is great and all, and super strength rules too, but that doesn't mean I don't have to breathe.

I tore my right arm free again and tried to pull the left one out as I stumbled around. I tried to grab at the putty and pull it off my face but my hand just sunk through. This sucked.

I kept stumbling until I fell through the hole I made earlier.

My first thought as I hit the water was that I was going to die in a pile of poop.

But then there was sweet, sweet air rushing into my lungs. Well, air tainted with methane and crap, but air just the same.

I sat up and saw the goo rushing to the side of the sewer, forming into a person on the ledge, pressed against the wall, trying to be as far away as possible from the water and bodily fluids.

"Allergic to something?" I asked as I stood up with a grin. I kicked a splash of sewage at the guy. His scream was high and girly as it struck him and seemed to eat away at his legs. I looked at myself briefly, all covered in shit, and then back to him. "Awwww, c'mere and gimmie a hug!"

I ran at the guy and he tried to jump at the hole we fell through but I grabbed him before he could, pulling his legs down as the rest of him tried to stretch up.

I dunked his legs in the sewer water, cringing at the god awful scream from above.

And then his legs fell off.

I looked up and saw him scrambling out of the sewer.

"Crap," I said figuratively as I jumped up and climbed out of the hole.

And he was gone.

"SHIT!" I shouted, and then I stopped and looked at myself again. "Heh, exactly."

More sirens sounded and I took to the rooftops and decided I had enough for one night and really, really, REALLY needed a shower.

This shit stinks.

***

"What is that fragrance you are wearing, Mister Carter?" asked Alfonse as he opened the door on my approach to the Burke Manor.

"You like it?" I asked, tossing my mask on the front porch. "My own concoction, JCOne, a fragrance for men and women."

He held out a hand as I almost stepped through the door.

"The hose is out back, Jeffery."

"Oh, come on, Alfonse," I said.

"And pick that filthy mask up," he said, and he closed the door.

With a sigh I grabbed my mask and started around the house. And it was a long damn walk considering the size of the place. I was tempted to rub myself against the side of it as I walked but resisted when I figured Alfonse would make me clean it off.

I got to the back and remembered the pool.

Yeah, that would work.

"Don't even think about it," I heard from the patio. I turned to see Alfonse laying a towel and soap on a table and holding a trash bag out to me. "Put your clothes in here," he said.

"You want me to strip?"

"Do you shower in your clothes, Mister Carter?"

"No, but I don't shower outside with a hose either."

"Your clothes, Mister Carter."

"Christ," I said, kicking off my shoes as I unbuckled my belt, "I feel like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction."

Alfonse didn't comment as I pulled my pants off.

"I say Sammy J. because I'm must more like Jules than whatever the hell John Travolta's character was named," I said, taking off my suit coat. "And you're certainly no Harvey Keitel, let me tell you."

Alfonse still didn't comment, the bag hanging from his outstretched hand while his other hand held onto the hose.

"Here," I said, gathering my clothes and walking to Alfonse, dropping them in the bag.

"Your underwear, too," said Alfonse.

"Oh, come on, Alfonse," I said. "Bad enough you got me in my skivvies but you want my thingie hanging out too?"

He didn't comment. Thankfully.

"Shit, Victoria isn't home, is she? Cause, I mean, it's not that I'd be embarrassed normally and what not, but, well, you know, cold water and shrinkage and all..."

"Mister Carter..."

"Fine, fine, damn it."

I threw my underwear in the bag. He set the bag down and grabbed the soap, handing it to me.

And then he sprayed.

"Jesus!" I shouted at the cold water.

Alfonse didn't comment, he just kept the water spraying on me.

God, how embarrassing.

"Be sure to get behind your ears, Jeffery," said Alfonse with a hint of a smirk on his face.

"Hey, I don't know if you saw," I said, trying to talk about something to avoid the fact I was showering naked outside at two in the morning, "but I fought the guy without kicking him in the nuts."

"He had no... 'nuts' to kick," replied Alfonse.

"Well, yeah, but still. I didn't try to find out, either. I even dodged a bullet and used some smarts to fight him and stuff." I turned around to get my back clean.

"Very good, Jeffery."

"Very good indeed," said a female voice.

I spun around to see a woman on the patio behind Alfonse. Her face was a pale moon smiling out of the night dark hair that fell around it. Her figure was... Can I say orgasmic? She was a goddess.

Then I remembered I was naked.

"Oh, jeez..." I said, bringing my hands down to cover my pals.

Alfonse had stopped spraying and turned to see who this new person was as well. I couldn't see his face, but his posture was rigid.

"Good evening, Alfonse Saint Libatique," she said, lighting a cigarette as she walked towards us. She smiled and stopped by the table where Alfonse had left the towel.

Oh how I wanted that towel.

"You didn't tell me anyone was here..." I hissed through clenched teeth as Alfonse turned back to me.

"No one was, Mister Carter," said Alfonse as he lifted the hose at me again. "Shall we continue?"

"Um..." I looked back to the woman who just stood there, smiling and smoking, staring at me. "I'm sorry, but... ah..."

"Oh, don't mind me," she said, with a dismissive waive. "Act like I'm not even here." Her smile turned to a toothy grin.

"Uh..."

I was gonna have to make a break for it.

I quickly stomped past Alfonse and towards the woman and the table, reaching out with one hand and snatching the towel and then stepping back as I wrapped it around my waist.

"Tut tut," she said, shaking her head as she looked me up and down. "Where's that bravado, Jeffery? That charm you have under the mask?"

I froze.

"Do I know you?" I asked, staring right into her eyes.

"You should," she said, taking a drag off her cigarette, "you spent three months in my home."

"Well you certainly aren't my old landlady," I said, "unless you got lipo, plastic surgery and grew a foot."

"My, how out confidence grows when we're clothed."

I didn't have anything to say to that.

"I've come to make you an offer, Jeffery," she said, turning and walking to a chair with a walk I couldn't help but stare at. My, my, my... She spun and slowly sank into the seat.

"Does it involve sex?" I said for Lord knows what reason. I think I heard Alfonse smack his forehead.

The woman's smile never faltered.

"Not for you," she said, "at least, not directly."

"Indirect sex," I said, "now that's a novel idea."

"Jeffery," she said, leaning forward to where I could see down her shirt, though I'm pretty sure that's not what she intended to do. Well, unless she was trying to make me more embarrassed considering a towel can only hide so much. "How would you like to be a part of something that goes beyond what you've done here in Pacific City, something that can help change the world in ways never imagined."

Her eyes traveled down. Mine did not. God, how embarrassing. I sat. Then I realized that made things more visible, so I crossed my legs. That didn't help a bit. I stood back up.

"Jeffery," she said, standing up and walking towards me. Oh, Lord... "How would you like to help save the world?"

"Uh... would you mind if I got dressed first?"

"Of course not," she said. And she turned away and walked towards Alfonse.

And that was how I met Anna Romanova.