"I feel like a dork."

"You look like a dork, Mister Carter."

"Ha, ha. This get up didn't come out of my closet, bastard."

The tuxedo was, unfortunately, just my size. And it wasn't even a good one. It was old and ugly as hell.

"Why couldn't I get a smooth ass tux that gets all the chicks?"

"I suppose you will have to use your charm, Jeffery."

I sighed as Alfonse put finger-foods on big silver platters that I knew I'd have to carry around in a little over an hour.

"If I had known you were going to make me work, I wouldn't have accepted your invitation."

"If you failed to accept my invitation," said Alfonse, looking to me with a smirk, "I would have made you come anyway."

"Fair enough."

The door to the kitchen opened and I turned to see the ever lovely Miss Victoria Burke in a lovely black dress with a well placed, teasing slit that came halfway up her thigh along the side of the skirt.

Grrrrrraow.

"Is everything..." she started.

"Everything is coming along splendidly, Victoria," said Alfonse as he continued to straighten food on the trays.

"And he..." she started, glaring at me.

"Is being an imenese help," replied Alfonse, glancing up to her briefly and going back to work on the trays.

"You look lovely this evening, Victoria," I said with a grin.

Man, talk about ice queen. The look she gave me would have killed a weaker man but it just made me smile a bit wider.

Pushing her buttons is kinda fun.

"I swear to God if you do anything idiotic tonight..." she said, not finishing her sentence, simply punctuating it by continuing that glare.

"I wouldn't think of it," I said, right hand over my heart, bullshit grin on my face.

She turned and stormed out.

Alfonse chuckled lightly as I turned back to him.

"Anything I can do to help?" I asked for what had to be the tenth time that evening, fully expecting the same response.

"Everything is just about finsihed," Alfonse replied for what had to be the tenth time that evening. He stood up and observed his work, giving himself a quick nod and turning to me. "And do be on your best behavior this evening."

"Alfonse, I'm insulted," I said. He didn't find me funny. "I'll be good, Jeeves. Scouts honor."

Good thing I was never in the Boy Scouts.

Bush43 #11
"A Pox Upon Thee"
by Jason S. Kenney

There are too damn many rich people in Pacific City.

It's not really just Pacific City. EVERY city has an entire clump of filthy rich people who show up to filthy rich people's parties to talk about how filthy rich they are and laugh in a filthy rich way over filthy rich food.

Filthy.

And these things are always boring. Really boring. It's even more boring when you're the guy walking around serving people food and beverages. Not only boring, but a pain in the ass. Rich people are rude. Very rude.

I, as the man who is handling their food and balancing those drinks so they don't spill on their beautiful, overpriced furs and other pretty clothing, am beneath them. Nevermind that I could urinate in the champange and spit on their fancy coctail weenies, no, dispite having the power to destroy their sensitive little stomaches and possibly cause more damage, I am not worth their time for attention, a word of thanks, or an excuse me when one of the rich bastards bumps into me and almost make me spill an entire tray on another rich bastard who gets severely upset with ME because I'M a clumsy oaf.

Me!

Can I take a little satisfaction in the fact that I keep these fuckers safe at night? Or can I blame myself for them not suffering a horrible and well deserved fate at the hands of some mugger or ultra-villain?

Oh, the dilemas of being a hero.

So, yeah, I spent the evening walking around, giving people food, and generally being overlooked by rich people and overworked by Alfonse.

"Oh, what is this?" asked one hoity-toity uppity bitch looking at the tray I held before her and a few other just as uppity and hight and mighty souls.

"I believe it is corn and pepper in some sort of nacho thingy," I said with a grin. None of them were amused. "They're very good. One of our chef's specialties."

One woman ventured a taste, the others turned their noses up at it.

The woman who tried it didn't nod or even make a sound concerning the food. She just returned to the conversation and they all acted as if I had never een there.

I hate uppity people. Really.

If the gentlemen would line up to the right and approach single file, I would be pleased to chorus line kick each of ya in the nuts. Ladies get the bitch slappin' of the century.

Sigh.

"These next, Jeffery," said Alfonse as he took a tray from me and handed me  another right when I went back in the kitchen.

"Can I get something to drink real quick?" I asked.

"Later," he said, waiving me off as he turned back to the trays.

Sigh.

I was giving up a night of heroing for this. Okay, so I normally wear a suit while doing the hero thing, but this tux was a pain in the butt. Not that I mind tuxes normally, just, I don't like wearing a butler tux and having to play the part of a host or hor'derves guy or whatever the hell they are.

God, I didn't want to be doing this.

I held the tray infront of another group of people and got ignored for the most 

part, but one person reached for something and actually looked me in the eye.

Mmmm.... Regina Darling...

Oh, wait, let's flashback to infront of city hall, big ass robot thingy kicking my ass, big crowd of media folks watching the show, my mask in tatters, me being all smooth when I make eye contact with a certain very attractive Pacific City talk show host.

If she recognized me at first her face didn't register it. I smiled and winked at her.

Either she was taken aback by my smoothness or that did it for her.

I didn't wait around to find out, turning and moving on to the next clump of 'too rich for me' bastards.

This next group was as worthwhile as Miss Darling's group. Another fine looking  woman stood socializing with a few gentlemen. She was an attractive lady and well worth listening too, whatever she was talking about. Well, so I thought  until I realized she was talking about her poodle. I hate poodles. Ugly little  bastards...

Anyways, she was easy on the eyes. I offered the tray of goods and a few people partook, but the woman didn't reach for food. She merely looked me in the eyes and smiled. A nice, warm smile. Her dark eyes were very alluring and I had to remember I wasn't here to pick up chicks, I was here to work so Alfonse didn't kick my ass.

I smiled back and turned away.

The rest of the evening was serve this, serve that, feel like shit because these people were soooooo much better than me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I was tempted to scream "FIRE!" no less than five times throughout the evening, just to see these people panic.

The evening ended much too late and eventually everyone left. You'd be surprised at how much of a mess filthy rich people can make. I guess they aren't called 'filthy' for nothing.

"Can this wait for tomorrow, Alfonse?" I asked as he started washing dishes. "I'm bushed!"

I smiled and I could tell he was rolling his eyes, even by looking at the back of his head.

"Jeffery, it will not take long if you put some effort into it."

With a sigh I turned to leave the kitchen and almost ran into Victoria Burke as she stuck her head in the room.

"You didn't screw up tonight," she said, looking at me with a glare that wasn't nearly as harsh as it had been earlier in the evening.

"Neither did you," I said with a smirk. She squinted and then sighed.

"Thank you, Jeffery," she said. And she left before I could reply.

"She doesn't do that often, does she?" I asked Alfonse.

"Let us just say that you are more often modest than she is to say she is 

greatful for anything."

"Wow, a rare event indeed!"

"You know where the trashbags are, Jeffery," said Alfonse, shaking his head as he turned back to the dishes.

* * *

Man it felt good to get out and around.

Pacific City continued to be a boring place to patrol, but it wasn't nearly as boring as that party. Ugh. I need to remember to disappear next time Alfonse mentions one of those things.

Nothing was happening in Pacific City though. I mean, by the time I got out it was way past even the bad guys' bedtimes. I bet they all had a field day earlier in the evening. Sigh.

And then things weren't so boring anymore as I noticed the silouette of someone  leaping from one building to the next.

A female someone.

At first I wondered if Vicky decided to go out and prancing around, but this shapely figure was without a cape.

So I figured I'd investigate.

I ran and leapt across the rooftops, trailing this woman in the distance, trying to catch up so I could figure out what she was up to. She jumped and flipped all graceful like, it was mesmerizing. Even from a distance I could tell this chick was hot.

How lucky am I that I always get to run into hot chicks? I mean, I almost never meet up with ugly women. Huh, funny how that works.

Anyways, I'm running and leaping and catching up with this chick when she suddenly drops off the edge of a building and I guessed to the street below.

I got the the last rooftop she was on and looked over the edge to see an empty street.

Huh.

This area of town was kinda posh, the uptown residential area. Ritzy townhouses and the like. They even had little fenced in yards, in the back, though with only a couple feet between the houses you really couldn't call them lots. They were th he kind of places the people from Victoria's party came home to, though. Expensive real estate. Though I figured it wasn't one as there were lots of cars around it and it seemed like the place had a party of its own going on. At this time of night? Tut tut.

But when I noticed a broken window in one I was tempted to let it be. Rich bastards could fend for themselves.

Then I remembered that whole hero thing I do and figured I'd take a look.

I leapt across the street and onto the roof of the house and tried to figure my best way to get in. The broken window wasn't too far down, I could probably just hang off the edge of the house and swing in. So I tried that.

My legs made it but my butt hit the window sill and I fell backwards out of the window and to the sidewalk below. Graceful.

I got up rubbing my head and hoped no one paid attention to my beautiful maneuver.

That's when I noticed that the party was awfully quiet.

I crept up the steps and slowly opened the door to the place, poking my head in for a look around. The first room was empty, one of those greeting rooms that serve no real purpose but to make your house seem huge. My first hint of problems was the guy laying in the doorway, his eyes open and staring off into nothingness.

Well, poo. My night just got a bit more complicated.

I went into the house and quietly made my way to the man and knelt down to check for a pulse. Dead as dead gets. A brief look into the room beyond told me I'd find more of the same.

There was one person moving, though. She was searching through one man's pockets and stuffing whatever she found in a bag.

By the way her clothes hugged her body, I figured it was the same lady I had been following.

I stood up and cleared my throat.

"Is this party dead or what?" I said.

Her face was covered by a black leather mask that wrapped around her head, her dark hair pulled through a hole in the back into a ponytail that whiped back as she quickly looked up. She slowly stood upright as I stepped into the room and over a couple people who laid in the way.

"Now, I don't know how ya did this," I said, looking around, "but is there anyway for you to undo it? Cause, you know, that would be great."

"I'm afraid I can only kill things," she said, cautiously stepping back.

"Looks like you can steal from dead things too," I said, walking towards her.

She looked at her bag and shrugged. "One has to get paid somehow."

"Yeah, but most folks usually do it the legal way like getting a job or something."

"And some steal or cheat their way to riches."

"Granted."

"Like the man you just stepped over, Robert Voight, owner of three diamond mines in South Africa where over a thousand workers have died in the last month and thousands more slave for next to no money. And that man there..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I said. "He eats babies and his wife wears the skin of a poor woman who died after slaving for years in a factory that paid her in lint. Look, I'm sorry you think these people are bad, but you can't just go killing folks."

"So you're defending them?"

"Well, no, but..."

"You are defending murderers and thieves?"

"No, you're just justifying killing them."

"But..."

"Look," I said, "I didn't come here for a philosophical discussion on class relations. I came to kick some ass and bring a baddie to justice. Now are you going to make this easy on me or not?"

Now, I was facing another dilema. I'd never confronted anyone committing a crime in a residence. At least not a hot chick that I couldn't just kick in the nuts and throw out a window or something. And while I guess I could throw this chick out a window, I really didn't want to. Besides, she did something to kill all these folks pretty quickly it seemed, so I had no idea what the hell she could do to me if she tried.

"Neither," she said, hefting the bag over her shoulder, "because you really won't have the time to stop me."

"Really?"

"Yes. You see, you're now dying."

"Really?" Huh.

She nodded. "I've just infected you with a mutated form of ebola that works very quickly. You should be bleeding out of your eyes in about ten seconds, every pore in about fifteen."

"Really?" I said, for lack of anything else. Then I thought of something. "Hey, did you infect this crazy redhead chick with that stuff, cause she was crying blood or something like that a few months back."

She crossed her arms and looked at me.

"You know," I said, "I don't really feel any blood pushing its way out of my eyes." I held up my hands and looked at them and displayed them to her. "My complexion's pretty good too. You sure it was ebola and not a case of the hershey squirts or anything like that? Cause my stomach's upset as hell. Maybe that's the patte..."

She jumped and kicked at my face. I pulled back and grabbed onto her ankle with one hand, my other planting in her thigh and carrying her over me and flipping her towards the ground.

Huh, Alfonse had taught me something after all.

She pulled her leg away as she tucked and hit the ground rolling, coming to her feet in a low crouch. Her leg lashed out and kicked mine from under me, sending me to the ground. I should have expected that one.

I started to get up but she stomped me in the throat, which was none too comfortable.

"I don't know how you stopped that," she said as I gagged for air, "but I've just given you small pox, five strains of the flu, herpes and a raging case of crabs, you son of a bitch."

Uh huh.

I grabbed her ankle and quickly stood up, flipping her, but she landed on her hands and kicked at me with her free leg, causing me to lose my grip.

Man, this chick was limber and good.

"I don't know," I gasped, "but short of a collapsed throat, I feel pretty healthy." She swung at me and I stepped back. "So what should I call you?" I asked, dodging another blow. "The Plague?"

"How common," she said, swinging again. I caught her fist and took at jab at her face, catching her nose. I hope I didn't break anything. She didn't fall back, so I guess I didn't. Her other fist jabbed at my face, but it didn't bother me, you know, cause I'm invulnerable.

Which I then thought might be the reason this chick wasn't infecting me with anything.

Or that she was just nuts.

She pulled her hand away and flipped back and away from me, her feet dancing over the bodies in the way as she put some distance between us.

"You can call me Typhoid Mary," she said as she crouched low and ready.

"Well, you seem to be infecting people with more than typhoid," I said. "Can I call ya 'STD'? Maybe just 'Dee' for short."

"You really have no idea who you're dealing with," she said.

"You're right, I don't," I said, "so how about we go get some coffee and get to know each other."

Her only response was her sprinting towards a window. I tried to intercept, but she reached it too quick, leaping through and landing in the backyard, glass falling all around her. I jumped out just as she leapt over the fence. I ran after her and was almost over she she punched me in the gut. I doubled over and fell to the ground right in front of her.

"You realize that you aren't going to take me in, don't you?" she said, kicking me for good measure. I caught her foot and pulled, knocking her off balanced and to her ass.

"Nope," I said, pulling myself on top of her and pinning her down.

"I believe this is sexual harrassment," she said, squirming.

"Whatever," I said. "Look, stop squirming and this'll go a hell of a lot easier."

She stopped and looked me dead in the eyes.

Her eyes. They were actually quite beautiful. Deep, dark pools. Even when looking at me as harshly as they were I still found them alluring.

"If the police show up I will kill every last one of them," she said very matter-of-factly.

Shit. And I believed her.

"And what's to say you won't infect all of Pacific City with whatever you think of?"

Even through the mask I could tell she was smiling.

"Nothing," she replied. "Except that's not how I do things. Think of me as Robin Hood."

"Only you infect people with horrible disteases and then rob them."

"Those people deserved to die."

"Sure, whatever."

"You either have to let me go or kill me," she said.

Crap, did Alfonse set this up?

"You're putting me in an awfully bad squeeze," I said, my voice shaking. I did not want to be in this situation.

"What's it going to be, 'hero'," she said. "Let me go so I can do this again, and you know I will, or kill me now. If you can."

No. No no no no no no no...

"I..." I started and stopped. I didn't have much choice.

I let go of her wrists.

And wrapped my hands around her throat.

Her eyes went wide as her mouth gaped for air.

I closed my eyes.

Her body started to buck. Her arms flailed, one of her hands grabbed my mask and tore it off, but I didn't pay any attention, my hands squeezing.

God, please....

I held on as she squirmed. My mind reeled.

"NO!"

I let go and stumbled back at my own cries. I heard her cough and sputter as I laid back and looked at the sky all bleary from tears in my eyes.

I couldn't do it. I almost did it. But I coulnd't.

"Damn you," I whispered at her for putting me in this situation, myself for getting put in this situation, Alfonse for planting the seed, the world for not being as black and white as I needed it to be.

I sat up and noticed that she had pulled off her mask, her head hanging as she was up on all fours, coughing and it looked like vomiting. I stood up and walked by her, bending over to pick up my mask. She looked at me.

It was the girl from earlier in the evening, the one from Victoria's party, the one that was talking about her poodle, the one that smiled at me.

And I was sure she recognized me.

She smiled.

"You can't do it, can you, Jeeves?" she said.

I kicked her in the face, sending her over on her back. She squirmed for a bit and then started to laugh, low and first and then building.

If she was trying to get me to kill her, she was getting very close to seeing it happen.

But I turned and ran.

* * *

Who do you go to after something like that?

Who can mother you after you suffer through one of the greatest moral dilemmas of humanity?

If my parents were alive, I'd probably go to them.

If I had a close lady friend, I'd probably go to her.

If the bars were still open, I'd probably go to them.

If I had a regular I called at a 900 number, I'd probably call her.

But I had none of the above.

I had one place to go.

"Please tell me you have some liquor," I said as Isiah Rowe opened his apartment door.

"It's four o'clock," he said as he stepped to the side to let me in.

"I just almost killed someone," I said as I walked past him. "On purpose."

"I'll see what I've got," he said, and he closed the door.

* * *

"Shit, for all I know I'm carrying stuff and infecting you right now," I said as I hung my head over my drink. I don't know how many I had before it, but it certainly wasn't going to be the last.

"Don't worry about it," Isiah said. He was laying on the couch, staring at the cieling while I sat in the chair and bent over the coffee table to study y drink. "I figure if your abilities kept ya from getting sick it probably killed off anything you got pretty quickly too."

Good ol' Isiah.

"I can't believe I almost killed her," I said for the countless time.

"But you didn't, Jeff."

"And I don't know if that was the best choice."

"What's to say she wouldn't have infected the whole city if you did kill her?"

"Good point." I looked up to him. "What would you have done?"

He didn't respond at first, just looking at the cieling. His brow furroughed in thought for a few moments and then he nodded sharply.

"I wouldn't have killed her," he said, and I nodded. "But," he continued, "I would have played with her mind a bit and tried to figure out whatever impules controled her powers and maybe shut them off."

"You can do that?"

"Don't know," he said with a shrug. "Why not? I mean, it's all a reaction from the brain, right? Same thing I do to put someone to sleep I could do to make them shut up or not infect folks with STDs."

"Man, I gotta get me some of that."

"You keep saying that."

"I do, don't I? I must mean it."

"You must."

I swallowed my drink in one gulp.

"Why can't you meet a nice girl for once?" Isiah asked.

"They're all nice," I said, pouring myself another drink, "from a distance."

Isiah sat up and looked across the coffee table to me.

"You gonna be alright?" he asked.

I paused as I was lifting my drink and throught for a moment, then looked at him and shook my head.

"No, I don't think so," I said. I downed my drink. "But I can make a good show of it."

"You always do," Isiah said as he pushed himself up to his feet. "I gotta work but you can stay as long as you'd like."

"Thanks," I said as he walked past me and to the bathroom. He patted me on the shoulder as he went by. "Thanks for everyting, man. I appreciate it," I said.

"It's nothing," he said. "Every hero needs a fortress of solitude. You'll just have to share it with me."