Simon Cooper cursed under his breath as he jabbed at the styrofoam cup on the ground. Clean up duty of Bristol Park wasn't what bothered him. No, getting out and around like this was a good change of pace, much better than sitting in the cell and putting up with his annoying ass cellmate. God, why did they have to put him up with common criminals like Bill 'Spike' Mathers. The man was a carjacker. Surely Simon Cooper, known and feared as Staticy, deserved a bit more respect and higher standards of punishment than that.

He walked across the lawn and stalked a piece of paper that tumbled along the ground as the wind pushed it. He finally snagged it as it stopped behind a park bench, nodding to himself at another good kill.

"My, you are very good at that," said a voice.

Simon looked up to see two men on the bench looking over their shoulders at him. The one that spoke didn't smile at him, his face seeming to be frozen in a permanent frown shaded by his dark hat. His companion did all the smiling necessary for the two of them, snickering to himself while staring at Simon with wide, insanely happy eyes.

Simon didn't reply at first, looking around to see if any of the police escorts were paying any attention.

"As you may notice, Mister Cooper," said the tall, sad one, getting Simon's attention again, "your babysitters are no where to be seen."

"What..." started Simon, interrupted by the giggling of the short, overly happy man.

"We took care of them, don't worry," said the man with a wide grin. "Took very good care of them."

"Who are you guys?" asked Simon, intrigued, slightly worried, but somewhat excited. Were these people here to help him escape? Was this the recognition he had been waiting for?

"My name is Sad," said the tall man as he stood up and removed his hat. "My companion is aptly named Happy. We are here to make you an offer, Mister Cooper, and ask for your assistance in confronting a mutual associate."

"You want to enlist my help?" said Simon, trying to hide his smile.

"I think he likes it, Sad," said Happy as he jumped to his feet.

"Indeed," said Sad, briefly glancing to his short associate. "Mister Cooper, how would you like to get your hands on Bush43?"

Simon Cooper gave up his efforts to conceal his grin, spreading it wide across his face in joy.

"Oh, I think I would like that very much, Mister Sad."

Bush43
Issue #13
"Can You Feel It? It's Electric! Boogie Woogie Woogie"
by Jason S. Kenney

The man stood hunched over the object of his affection and giggled to himself. It would work much better this time, he was sure of it. And not only would it work better but it'd be brighter and bigger and more glorious than before.

It would be more than a signal, it'd be a celebration!

His hero had returned, the city's protector was once more frolicking along its rooftops in search of the evils that plagued it, the antibody attempting to destroy the germs that polluted the precious beauty of Pacific City.

He was almost overpowered with giddiness.

His hero was free, Pacific City's hero was free, and now he'd be able to respond, to come, to retrieve his sidekick so they could patrol the city together and protect the teeming masses from the never ending tide or corruption that sought to drown the city in a sea of villainy and filth.

Ah, he couldn't wait to share his wonderful thoughts and glorious speaking skills with his future mentor and champion.

The man stepped back and shook with joy. He slowly reached for the switch, as if touching it would destroy him. His finger stayed just millimeters away, shaking with the nervous glee that overran his entire body.

And with a quick flick and a flourish, the light was on. He held his hands above his head and shouted with joy to the heavens as they were basked in glorious light that leaked around a silhouette, a sign, a signal to the city, nay, the world that their hero was coming.

A silhouette of Texas shined off of the clouds that hung over Pacific City, a beacon of hope to the masses looking for a savior.

The man quickly pulled on his Dick Cheney mask in anticipation of his hero's arrival.

Oh, yeah, this was the good dream.

It was just like any other day. I was standing all buff and topless and there were teeming crowds of women throwing themselves at me as I walked through the masses with a big grin on my face.

Uh huh.

And the crowd was parting and a path opened up leading to a staircase that I ascended, the women behind me calling out, wanting me to return, to simply turn around and grace them with my chiseled features once more, but, alas, I was a man on a mission.

I reached the top of the stairs and was faced with a large set of double doors, all big and shiny and decorated pretty like, and I placed a hand on each and thrust them open.

A blinding light flooded my vision and I shielded my eyes in an attempt to get a glimpse of what lied beyond.

"Jeffery," the crowd of women called out.

"Jeffery," I heard in the distance, a voice so soft and delicate it's like a feather.

"Jeffery," I heard again, louder, deeper, slightly harsher.

"JEFFERY!" I heard as I woke up to Alfonse shaking the shit out of me.

"God damn it, Alfonse," I said. He stood upright and put his hands behind his back, his posture and face returning to the absolute stoicism of a butler.

"I believe your presence is requested in Pacific City," he said.

"Well take a message," I said, grabbing my covers and rolling over in a vain attempt to get back to sleep and continue the dream that I never, ever got to finish. Damnation!

I heard Alfonse walk over to the window and tear open the curtains. Then I heard him stomp back towards me.

"Ahhh!!!"

Alfonse picked me up out of bed by my ear, walking towards the window as I walked very quickly with my head cocked in an effort to keep my ear from hurting more. Asshole.

We stopped at the window and he pushed me forward.

"Jeez, Alf," I said, rubbing my ear as I glared at him. "I better turn around and see a naked chick or something."

I turned around.

Well, it certainly wasn't a naked chick.

And, thankfully, not a naked guy either.

"What the hell is that?" I asked as I leaned towards the window and squinted to try and make out what was silhouetted on the sky in the distance.

"I believe it is the state of Texas," said Alfonse.

"Oh, Sweet Jesus."

"It's been up for at least a half an hour now. And this is not the first time it has been seen over Pacific City, though, it is the first time since you've been out and about."

"The little round guy did it," I said, partly in awe.

"The little what?"

"I try to take one night off, just one night to catch up on my sleep, and this guy's got to go and..." I bitched, storming across my room to my dresser. "Son of a bitch." I threw open a drawer and grabbed sweat pants and a t-shirt.

"You're going out in that?" asked Alfonse as I turned around.

"I'm going out to kick a little ass and then I'm going right back to bed so I can actually get some."

Alfonse cocked an eyebrow but didn't say a word.

I went into my closet and grabbed some sneakers and picked my mask up off the floor.

"I can't believe I'm going to waste my time with this," I grumbled as I sat and pulled my shoes on.

"I am certain there is a good reason for the alarm," said Alfonse, and while he wasn't smiling I certainly heard the joy in his voice. Asshole.

"Yeah, yeah," I said. "Hey, Dad, can I borrow the car keys?"

Son of a bitch, making me run into town when there's a big signal glowing off of the clouds and stuff. I hate not having my own car. I really should get one. Once I get access to my money. Which I should really look into.

I lived in the city my whole life, public transportation was good enough to where I didn't need a car. But Burke Manor isn't exactly downtown.

It took me fifteen minutes of good running before I reached the outskirts of PC. Then it was up on the rooftops, click click click.

I was almost there when the impatient bastard turned it off.

He slumped and sighed. He'd had the thing on for over an hour and his hero never showed. Maybe he was busy.

Gasp! Maybe he was in trouble and couldn't get free to respond!

No, no, Bush43 was too smart for that, he'd never allow himself to be caught in a web of any kind, to be trapped or tangled, to be cornered without hope for escape. He was too good for that, too strong, too wily, too awesome!

No, his glorious mentor must have been busy kicking ass and taking names. Yes, keeping the city safe was a real busy job, he was certain of that. So he didn't have time to respond.

Maybe the signal should be turned on again?

No, don't want to over use it, to risk exposure. An hour was long enough.

He'd just have to try again tomorrow night, if the overhang was good enough. And maybe earlier in the evening. Yes, maybe three in the morning wasn't a good time to be shining bright lights in the middle of a crowded city.

"Turn it back on..." I hissed through clenched teeth as I perched on the edge of a building near downtown PC. "C'mon you little turd..."

Nothing. I'd been sitting there ten minutes, waiting, hoping, praying the little bastard would turn the light back on so I could find it and shove it up his ass. But, no, he didn't want to do that.

Crap.

You know, this is the last damn thing I needed. All I wanted was a little rest. This hero stuff is pretty damn tiring and keeps ya up all night. Throw on top of that a butler who wakes you near the crack of dawn to help clean the mansion and you have little to no sleep for our dear hero here. And now this tubby bitch wants to go and play games.

A little boom a couple blocks away interrupted my grumbling.

Well, it didn't interrupt it, simply made me redirect it.

Damn baddies blowing stuff up all the time when I really just want to be home in bed...

I ran and jumped and ran and jumped some more and came across an interesting scene.

A man was shooting fire out of his ass.

It was kind funny in a really messed up sort of way.

But the flames spouting forth from his ass were licking at an armored car that sat in front of the bank. Must have been time for a pick up.

But the one shooting fire out of his ass was bent over and glancing over his shoulder and having a good ol' time lighting his farts on fire, so he didn't see me leap into the air and plummet towards him.

I landed hard right in front of him, scaring the crap out of him, or, rather, scaring him just enough to get him to stop pooping flames and look at me all wide eyed.

"Dude, wipe your ass," I said.

And then I punched him.

And then something punched me.

"Leave FlamingAss alone!" I heard bellowed from behind me as I rubbed my head and turned around.

And there stood a mountain of flesh that was heaving itself upon me. I jumped and rolled out of the way.

"Christ!" I shouted. "FlamingAss? So, what are you? FatAss?"

"No," I heard sensually from the side. I looked over to see a good lookin' woman standing there, one hand on her hip, the other gently caressing her own torso, her lips being moistened by her tongue. "He is LardAss."

"Uh huh..." I said, a little out of it because, well, hot chicks do that to me.

"And I am CandyAss." Indeed. "And we are the AssMasters."

That snapped me out of it.

"The AssMasters?"

She nodded as she walked, no, sauntered towards me.

Snicker.

I broke out laughing.

"AssMasters? Oh, dear Lord, surely all the other names weren't taken!"

She backhanded me and I felt myself oddly aroused.

"KILL HIM!" she shouted in a very unsexy manner.

Next thing I know I'm dodging another fireball shooting from FlamingAss's, well, ass. Then LardAss came at me again and he leapt into the air (pretty high, too, considering how huge the man was).

I timed it just right. I fell to the ground and kicked out, catching LardAss with my feet and tossing him over me and onto FlamingAss.

I leapt back onto my feet and ducked as CandyAss came at me with another swing.

"Hey, um, CandyAss, I was wondering," I said as I ducked another swing, "what are your powers and all?"

"I can make any man orgasm with one touch," she said, reaching out to touch me.

"Really?" I said, stopping my dodging and standing there as she approached.

Wow, orgasm with one touch? I was intrigued.

"Really," she said in that sexy voice again.

"Talk about premature ejaculation," I said. "That must suck for you when it comes to getting some."

I ducked and ran towards her, quickly grabbing her at the waist and running with her over my shoulder towards LardAss who was still trying to get himself off of FlamingAss. CandyAss hit at my back and pulled at my t-shirt, trying to get to some bare skin to touch, though she didn't really need to because her powers seemed to work right through it. And, while it wasn't exactly an orgasm at one touch, it was awfully damn close and I was tempted to let her continue.

But I had to follow through with my plan.

I flipped CandyAss off my shoulder and looked at her for a moment.

"Pucker up, sweetie" I said, leaning in towards her.

And then I crammed her face first into LardAss's ass.

"So what exactly it that stuff?"

Simon Cooper had grown slightly concerned with the bargain he had made. It wasn't just the way the two men acted or what they wanted him to do, but being strapped down so you could be injected with stuff that you had to trust them was good just didn't sit too well with him.

"It is your own formula, Mister Cooper," said Sad as he tapped the syringe and pressed out the excess air.

"Slightly modified, of course," said Happy as he buckled the last strap around Simon's leg.

"And could you tell me again why I have to be strapped down?"

"It is for our own safety, Mister Cooper," said Sad, turning to Simon and wrapping a plastic strip around his upper arm. "As you are well aware, your previous formula caused you a slight discomfort initially." Simon nodded. "Well," said Sad, sliding the needle into Simon's arm, "I can promise you this is going to hurt a whole lot worse."

He pressed the plunger.

The sensation was almost instantaneous. Simon could feel as the concoction flowed through his body as his heart pumped harder and harder. It was a burn that started in the arm and then moved up and out, through his chest, his other arm, up his neck, down his legs. He clenched his teeth and crammed shut his eyes in pain.

Sad was not lying when he said it'd hurt worse.

Simon started to scream as the fire tore through his body. And then he felt it building, pushing, his pores screaming.

Sad and Happy stepped back as Simon pulled at his straps, his body reacting to the formula as it reworked his body on a genetic level, creating and enhancing.

And then he stopped moving.

Simon lay on the table, his chest heaving as he panted for air. He opened his eyes and stared at the light that hung above his head.

His mind picked up on something, and at first he found it curious and tried to focus on it. He thought hard and then the light grew slightly brighter. He thought more and it dimmed. He focused once again and the light started to get brighter, continuing until the bulb burst. Simon closed his eyes as the bits of glass fell on him and he smiled.

"I think he likes it," said Happy.

I slept until Alfonse dragged my ass out of bed around one in the afternoon. It was awfully nice of him to let me sleep in to make up for having to freakin' get up so damn early. I guess I can't really get at the signal thing too much. If it weren't for that I wouldn't have fought the AssMasters and my week would have been that much duller.

"You are to tend to the lawn today, Jeffery," said Alfonse as I poured myself some coffee down in the kitchen.

"The lawn? The whole lawn?" He nodded. "Please tell me you have a riding lawnmower."

Alfonse smiled.

Crap.

It was one of those push mowers. And not one with an engine, no, it was the one with the blades hooked up to the two wheels that I just pushed across the lawn. And the lawn at Burke Manor is no small plot. No, think Bristol Park but with fewer trees and more grass.

Even being superstrong didn't make the whole ordeal any less of a pain in the ass.

I stopped halfway through and plodded inside to get a glass of water. Alfonse sat at the table in the kitchen polishing silverware with a half smirk on his face.

"Do you want me to rake up the grass afterwards?" I asked sarcastically. He looked at me and the half smirk became a full one. "I shouldn't have asked, should I?"

"Whether or not you asked you would have to do it just the same," he said.

I guess I can't complain too much, I am living rent free in a mansion and getting trained to kick some ass.

Screw that! I'm going to complain anyway. Son of a bitch working me like a slave...

But I wasn't about to tell Alfonse that for fear that he'd kill me and bury me in the garden.

"Fine," I said, downing my water and going back outside.

I really should look into getting my own place.

"Wow." That's all Simon Cooper could think as he an arc of electricity flowed from his outstretched hand to the electrical socket across the room. He looked over and then pointed at a lamp off to the side, turning it on with just a thought. "Oh, wow. When does it wear off?"

"It doesn't," said Sad as he watched Simon play with his newly expanded powers. "Another modification from your original."

"This is so cool..." said Simon, moving his fingers on his outstretched hand, little streams of electricity stretching from each into one bolt that ran to the socket. "How did you do this?"

"The formula?" asked Sad. Simon nodded. "It did not take much, really. It already allowed the creation of electricity. We simply modified it to where you could use that to manipulate electricity in general."

"Neat."

"Now, about Bush43..."

The bolt of electricity disappeared as Simon clenched his hand into a fist and he turned to look at Sad.

"Yeah," said Simon with a grin, "about Bush43..."

I made sure I was in town early in the evening. I wanted to catch this signal thingy as soon as it went up. To keep myself busy I ended up stopping a mugging, rescuing a kitten out of a tree and stopping a couple of drunk guys from getting into a fight over whether or not either of them had made woopie with Mysteria.

I hope Victoria appreciates the trouble I go through for her and her honor.

It was almost midnight when the guy decided to play with his new toy and light up the skies of Pacific City.

God, why Texas? Why couldn't he have used the silhouette of some sexy, hot chick or something? That'd have gotten my attention.

Run, leap, jump, I'm going to kick that little guy's ass.

Simon Cooper looked up at the spotlight that reflected off of the clouds above Pacific City. Sad and Happy had given him the correct address alright.

He smiled wide. Oh, this was going to be fun.

He sat in his lawn chair and waited. He came prepared for a wait this time, a cooler full of sodas to one side, a stack of magazines to the other. Yep, he was in it for the long haul. At least until the sun came up. Because, well, the signal wouldn't really be all that good in the daylight.

Yes, if his hero was anywhere in the city he was going to show up tonight.

Dick Cheney smiled and kicked his feet with little boy joy.

And then he felt something.

He cursed at himself for drinking all of that soda before coming up for the night. His mother always told him he shouldn't drink too much when he was excited. Now he really had to pee something fierce.

But what if his hero came while he was gone?

He thought of turning off the light.

But what if his hero then stopped coming, or, worse, thought he was being toyed with?!!!

Dick stood up and made a silent promise to make it quick.

And he ran inside.

There it was.

I leapt onto the roof and walked towards the light. But there was no one in sight. Someone had been here, though, cause there was a lawn chair with a cooler next to it.

Got to the light and looked at it, shaking my head.

Moron.

After a few seconds searching I found the switch and turned the damn thing off, looking to the sky just to be sure.

Yep, darkness.

I walked to the cooler and opened it, finding it full of ice and soda.

So someone had been here recently.

But where had he gone? Maybe he had to use the bathroom or something...

"Don't tell me you made your own signal..."

I turned to see someone standing in the doorway to the stairwell. There wasn't enough light for me to make out who it was, but I could tell it wasn't the round guy.

"Oh, this?" I asked, looking at the signal. "Nah, I just came here when it was lit up and found no one else around."

"Uh huh."

"Yep."

The man didn't move and I was getting a little itchy. What the hell?

"Say, do I know you?"

The man stepped forward and into the light.

"Stacy?"

He visibly cringed but forced a smile on his face.

"Man, am I happy to see you alive," I said. "I thought that robot think killed you!"

"You're going to wish it had," he said.

The roof seemed a lot brighter suddenly. I looked over my shoulder to see the signal on again. I could have sworn I turned it off. Then the hair on my arms stood on end.

A bolt of electricity streaked from the signal, tearing into me hard. It was brief but painful as hell.

I fell to my knees and reminded myself to breathe, my body tingling.

"That's a neat trick," I said between gulps of air.

"That was only the beginning," Stacy said as he walked towards me. He stopped right next to me and I grabbed for his legs.

The shock was more powerful than anything he had done to me before, even stronger than the bolt from the signal. I tugged my hands away and scrambled back from him, wincing from my tingling and burning hands.

"Jesus Christ," I said.

"I don't like you," said Stacy, "I hate you, actually." He walked towards me and I stepped away, trying to keep my distance. "But I think I'll take my time killing you. Just enough to get you to say my name right, really."

"Where's the fun in that, Stacy?" I said, provoking when I really shouldn't have. But he didn't snap.

Wait a minute. Did he say kill?

"Wait," I said, stopping, "did you say kill?"

He just smiled for a moment and then lunged at me.

I sidestepped and he went right over the edge of the building.

Heh, oops.

I caught his arm and was pulled down slightly, but I stayed on the roof and held onto him. Okay, so this guy was probably trying to kill me, but I wasn't about to kill him.

"One of these days you're going to learn," I said as I started to pull him back up. "Don't lunge at someone when they're at the edge of a building."

And, without a word, he shocked me.

Hard.

I lost my footing and fell over the edge of the building.

He was lucky enough to land in a dumpster.

I was not.

The pavement was an unexpected surprise. I wasn't hurt from the fall, but I was very disoriented. I rolled to my back and stared at the sky, the silhouette of Texas shining bright.

God, I hate that thing.

Then Stacy straddled my body before I could push him off me his hands were around my throat.

"SAY MY NAME!" he shouted.

Then I felt a surge of electricity through my body.

Then it stopped. I tried to catch my breath.

"What's my name?" he asked through clenched teeth as he leaned close to my face.

"Sparky the Wonder Dog?" I said with a grin.

Then I felt another surge of electricity through my body.

Then it stopped.

"Say it," he said, leaning closer, "say 'Staticy'."

"Why?" I said hoarsely. "It's a stupid name."

Then I felt another surge of electricity through my body.

Then it stopped as Stacy yelped in pain and fell off of me.

I laid there for a bit, trying to come to my senses. My body ached, my mind felt like it'd been cooked, which it probably had. I started to roll over to push myself up.

Stacy was already on his feet, rubbing the back of his head.

"Why is it," he said, walking past me as I got to my hands and feet, "that every time I get going someone has to interrupt!"

I looked to see him advancing on the round guy in the Dick Cheney mask.

Crap.

He stepped back, brandishing his bat before him like a two handed sword. Dick Cheney's guts quivered as the man kept walking towards him, electricity lighting and dancing around his fists.

"Do you want some of this?" asked the man, reaching for Dick who swung the bat at him. The man simply caught it in his hands and tore it from Dick's grasp.

"And all these stupid masks," said the man as an electric coated hand reached for Dick's face.

I tackled the son of a bitch from behind, pushing him away from the Dick mask wearing guy before he touched him. Lord knows how bad that would've been.

Stacy rolled over under me and reached for my mask, the electricity pulsing through it and onto my face, stinging like hell. I reared back and punched him right in the face, feeling his nose give under my knuckles.

He let go with a scream and I jumped back and stumbled to my feet.

"My nobe," he said, holding his face with his hands and rolling around in pain. "My fffuckin nobe."

He started to stand up but that Dick Cheney guy came out of no where and clocked him on top of the head with a bat, knocking that punk's ass out.

"Ha!" shouted the round guy. "Once again Bush43 gets out of another scrape with the help of his trusty sidekick Dick Cheney!" He held the bat high above his head like it was some sort of trophy.

I breathed heavily, trying to just get enough air to speak. God, what the hell had gotten into Stacy? I don't remember him shocking that bad. I leaned my head back to stretch my neck and saw that God damn light in the sky.

"Hey," I said between deep breaths, "uh... can I borrow that bat?"

He brought it down and looked at it and then to me.

"Sure," he said, holding it out. I took it and started walking to a side door to the building. "Hey, what about him?"

"Leave 'em," I said, ignoring the unconscious Stacy as I stomped into the building and started up the stairs.

"Man, am I glad to see you," said Dick as he started up after me. "I mean, I was worried after that robot got you and all. I thought they might have gotten you for good. But I had faith in ya, man, and when you busted out I was all happy and stuff."

"Uh huh," I said, continuing up the steps.

"Yeah, so I tried using the signal and all and you didn't come so I figured you were probably out saving the world, being all heroic and stuff. But I didn't know for sure, so I kept using it. And today ya came. See, I finished that Bush Signal, just like you said."

"Uh huh."

"Yeah, I was getting kind of worried when you didn't show up, though, because I was all worried that you might have been in some sort of trouble and I couldn't help you out. I used the signal over and over and kept hoping you'd show and I'm so glad you've finally come and now we can go heroing together and be the dynamic duo of justice that protects Pacific City from the evils that attempt to pray upon it!"

God, does this guy EVER shut up?

"Ya like that? I made it up myself! I got a whole notebook filled with great sayings like that. I'll show it to ya, we can start using them."

I threw open the door to the roof and walked towards the Bush Signal, blazing into the night sky.

"Oh, I'm so happy you came and that it worked."

I stopped by the signal and he stopped right behind me.

"So, what do ya think?" he asked.

I brought the bat above my head and into the light so fast he didn't even know it happened until I was coming up for a second hit. I brought the bat down again and again, smashing the hell out of the stupid fucking signal and getting a hell of a lot of stress out of my system while I was at it.

I didn't stop until the bat broke and then I just started stomping on the remains of the signal.

After a good five minutes of pure beatdown I stopped, panting for breath from my glorious workout.

I turned to Dick who just stood there dumbstruck. I imagined his jaw dropped behind that mask.

"I don't like it," I said, tossing the bat aside.